I’m not really in denial. I mean, I look in the mirror in the morning and I just don’t see a guy who is…um…near 30 years old. The guy in the mirror looks much younger. Not only that, but he looks like he deserves to have a fancy job with a high paying income and a hot little wife. He looks like he should win the lottery too. Yup. Totally not in denial.

So I’ve decided to do what most people who are…um…near 30 do. I have officially decided to start lying about my age. After all, I can totally get away with it. Most people who meet me for the first time think I’m only 22 anyway. I’d hate to embarrass them by having to explain that I graduated high school in the previous millennium. Really, I’ll be doing them a favor, saving them from all that embarrassment. It’s the right thing to do. I’m such a nice guy.

I will of course have to study up on the younger generation to really pull-off the youngification of myself. Let’s see…what are 22 year olds into these days? Um…let’s see. Reality television. Texting. Texting with poor grammar. Poor grammar in general. The Kardashians… (see what I did there?)

Now that I think about it, this shouldn’t be too hard. I can see myself easily lying about my age and getting away with it for at least another 10 years. The only way I can really see myself getting caught is if I get seriously involved in a baseball discussion. Once I start relaying game statistics from memory from the 1980′s people may start to catch on…

The post I Feel Old appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I do feel bad for those security agents sometimes. I mean, they’re not the ones making the rules. And I’m pretty sure they don’t really want to get all handsy with me anyway. At least…I don’t think so…

The “Get-Yourself-in-a-Comic-Strip” contest is officially over! I want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who participated and shared their favorite Raccoon Toons comic strips with their friends. It was a huge success for me, as January had more traffic to the site than ever before! In addition to that, it was really fun for me to see which comic strips were selected as people’s favorites.

There were MANY people who took part in the contest but only one could emerge victorious. At first I thought it might be fun to put all of you in some type of caged-ring to fight to the death with only the victor remaining to gather the spoils of being featured in a comic strip. Turns out that cage matches are actually kind of expensive to put together though, and I was too lazy anyway.

So a winner among the contestants was chosen completely at random using one of those fancy random number generator things. You all had an equal chance of winning. And for all of you who didn’t win, don’t fret, there will be future promotions and chances to get yourself into the world of Raccoon Toons in the future. So hang on to those lucky pennies.

And now the winner of the Get-Yourself-into-a-Comic-Strip contest is………………..!!!

-drumroll-

Congratulations to Gabriel Brethauer of Pineville, Arkansas! You will be featured in an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip, so stay tuned!!

The post Excuse Me?? appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

You know the feeling all too well. You’re patiently waiting in line at the airport. You’re caught in a sea of people. Being corralled like so much mindless cattle. You made all the proper preparations. You didn’t pack your broadsword in your carry on. You don’t have any “liquids of death” or “nail clippers of doom.” You even wore your easily removable shoes that don’t contain weapons of mass destruction. You were so ready for this checkpoint. But the repetitive sound of gray monotone plastic bins stacking and re-stacking is slowly wearing you down. It’s sucking your will to live.

You arrive at the moment of truth. You’re no amateur, you’ve got the system down. Shoes, belt, pockets… Only a few more minutes of this charade and you can go sit by your gate for the next hour or two and make fun of other travelers with your clever inner monologues while you rock out to your iPod. But then, it happens. A large overweight TSA agent approaches you. You’ve been randomly selected.

There are really only a few ways you could interpret this “random” selection. You may choose from any of the following:

1. They think you are a terrorist. They’re on to you. That sweet innocent traveler act isn’t fooling anybody. Your shifty eyes must’ve given you away. Blast! It’s only a matter of time before they discover your shocks with the 3-foot collapsible machetes in them!! Should’ve taken the train you America hating Nazi!!

2. They don’t think you’re a terrorist. But they do think you’re hot, and they’re looking for a way to keep the eye candy around a little while longer. Because that’s what you are: sweet, sweet, delicious eye candy. I suppose you could take it as a compliment. Just remember that when they ask you to step into the image scanning machine, or assume the position for your pat down. What’s that you say? You’re sure they will be very professional when they’re sliding their hands up your crotch? Who are you kidding? We both know what’s going on in their heads. I’m a guy. I know how guys think. Should’ve taken the train you sweet, sweet temptress of the terminal!

3. You were selected randomly by some sort of machine, and you are just really unlucky. You poor loser. You can’t even win a game of rock-paper-scissors, let alone avoid being randomly selected for additional security procedures. At least you can take some comfort in knowing that our crack-shot airport security team is pulling a few random people out of line… Y’know, because they can’t seem to identify the loads of explosives under the pants of the guy ahead of you… I suppose you could’ve taken the train, but you’re so unlucky that someone would have placed a penny on your track causing you to derail and die a horrible  death by “exploding into a FIREBALL!!”  …you unlucky loser.

I should note here that I’m not in favor of “profiling.” What I am in favor of is some well trained professionals who aren’t making minimum wage, with real experience who can identify people acting and behaving suspiciously. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a guy who likes to take the train.

The post Randomly Selected appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I’m not going to repeat yesterday’s rant about the TSA’s security measures. But I will say that I’d probably complain about them a lot less if I got a pretty TSA agent to do my pat-down. Just sayin’.

………………………………

You still have a chance to be featured in an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip! The official rules are here, but it’s really very simple:

1. Like the site.

2. Share your favorite comic strip from the site with people who are awesome.

3. Tell me you shared. Leave a comment, send an email, whatever.

4. Eat a cookie.

SO easy!! Make sure you tell me that you shared so I can get your name down. Leave a comment here or on the facebook page, send me an email (matt at raccoontoons.com). Just let me know SOMEHOW that you shared or I won’t know to enter you into the drawing. One lucky winner will be selected at random and they WILL be drawn into an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip! You have until 12:29 am (California time) on February 1st. Good luck.

The post Private Screening appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I don’t like the TSA. Even before they started trying to get all pervy with everybody I didn’t like them. I didn’t like them when they asked me to take off my shoes. I didn’t like them when they made me pack my pocket knife. I didn’t like them when they freaked out about my shampoo bottle. I certainly didn’t like them when I was randomly selected over and over. And I also didn’t like them when they made my younger brother miss his flight because he didn’t have a licence to drive (which by the way, you do not need to fly).

But these new procedures have really got my goat. They just aren’t right. I’m not concerned with whether or not people are comfortable with them. I know that for many people and maybe perhaps you as well, these new scanners and pat-downs aren’t a big deal, and are nothing but a minor inconvenience. But that’s not why they bother me. Something about it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Kind of like my mother’s tuna casserole which was the bane of my existence all the way through childhood. I feel like it crosses the line (the TSA’s new procedures…not my mother’s casserole). It’s just not right. Because this is America dangit. It’s not the way we treat our citizens. When we treat our own countrymen this way, the terrorists have won.

Regardless as to what you might think of these new procedures, I just don’t believe that they’re actually doing anything to prevent terrorist attacks. I don’t think these check points are effective. Not only that, but I think terrorists probably lost interest in hijacking planes about the time the airlines started locking their cockpit doors. I mean honestly, I think bombers would be more likely to target large cities or malls or events full of tens of thousands of people rather than a plane of 100 or so passengers. But that’s just me. I’m probably too smart to be a terrorist.

So that’s my little rant about the TSA. I don’t think they’re effective. I don’t think they’re appropriate. And I don’t think they’re really there to protect us. And so I say to the TSA along with many others, “don’t touch my junk!”

That’s my opinion. You of course are welcome to have your own. Thankfully, we’re still entitled to that.

The post Don’t Touch My Junk appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Right now there are probably a whole bunch of people who found this comic strip because today’s title was “Naked Pictures.” You’re all a bunch of sickos, you know that?? Gosh. Go take your dirty ideas somewhere else.

For the record, I am pretty opposed to those naked image scans and “advanced” pat downs at the airports. I know it’s not a big deal to many people, and maybe it isn’t. But I feel like it’s an invasion of privacy regardless, and I don’t think it’s right to force air travelers to choose between getting image nude-ified or getting felt up by what might just be the bottom feeders of all government agencies. It’s a tough call…it’s gotta be them or the DMV. Anyway, that’s my opinion. I’m not usually all that political.

The post Naked Pictures? appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I may or may not be madly in love with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Alright fine. We both know I’m not fooling anyone. All those old T-Mobile pamphlets around my room are a dead giveaway. I am madly in love with Catherine Zeta-Jones. But seriously, can you blame me?? I mean, have you SEEN Entrapment?? Good grief! If all Welsh women look like that I should seriously consider moving to Wales.

I will say that The Terminal wasn’t my favorite. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t something to write home about either. I thought the idea was clever though; a story about a guy who literally lives in an airport. Speaking of which, I totally got lost in an airport not too long ago. I dropped someone off at the gate, and then when I tried to walk back to my car, I literally walked for 20 minutes, and then somehow found myself, at the exact same gate as when I started. I laughed. Apparently I should have brought my GPS with me.

OK. One more time.

The post The Terminal appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

This was a fun one to make. And I didn’t even plan it. Sometimes when you’ve written for characters long enough, they start to write themselves. This is one of those strips that the characters wrote themselves. Took me by surprise as well.

But what does it mean?!? Are Michael and Wendy back together? Is the chase finally over? And what about everybody’s favorite delivery man?? So many questions left unanswered… I guess you’ll just have to come back and read my work everyday for the rest of our lives, while throwing money in my direction to support your need for closure. Yeah. That’s a good plan. Let’s go with that.

…………………………..

Don’t forget to enter the drawing for your chance to be drawn into an upcoming comic strip! It’s easy, free, and only takes a few seconds of your time!

The post It’s About Time appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I’m stuck. I’m totally stuck. Not only is my future devoid of any kind of plan, but I can’t even think of anything clever or satirical to write under this comic strip. So I’m stuck in both the literal and the philosophical sense. I’m doubly stuck. Like a dinosaur caught in one of the La Brea Tar Pits while suffering a mid-life crisis. That’s me. Stuck-o-saurus  Rex. Someday people will find my bones and put me on display in a museum somewhere. But they’ll probably put the wrong skull on my body and then they’ll have to change my name later on when they realize I’m a completely different kind of Stuckeosaur. That would just be my kind of luck.

……………..

You still have a chance to be featured in an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip! The official rules are here, but it’s really very simple:

1. Like the site.

2. Share your favorite comic strip from the site with people who are awesome.

3. Tell me you shared.

4. Cookie.

SO easy!! Make sure you leave a comment somewhere, send me an email (matt at raccoontoons.com), or let me know SOMEHOW how you shared or I won’t know to enter you into the drawing. One lucky winner will be selected at random and they WILL be drawn into an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip! You have until 12:29 am (California time) on February 1st. Good luck.

The post Merry Go Round appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Ok, I broke the 4th wall. I’m sorry. But I had good reason.

When I was a kid I read possibly every book there is to read about Walt Disney. Once in jr. high school, I even chose Walt Disney for my autobiography book report. The book, was in fact, not an autobiography, and I didn’t actually read it because I forgot about the assignment and the in-class essay until the night before. I ended up just writing the essay using only the knowledge I’d acquired about Walt Disney over the years without ever actually having read this particular autobiography…which again, wasn’t really an autobiography at all. Where I was required to use quotations I quoted or paraphrased actual quotes that I had previously committed to memory.

When all was said and done, I earned a “B+” on this paper on a book that was not only invalid for the assignment, but also one that I had never actually read. It was ironically, the highest grade I ever received from that particular English teacher, who for some inexplicable reason, just really hated my guts.

But I digress. My point is, I have always really loved and admired Walt Disney. In the 4th grade I did a report on him and dressed up in a suit and fake mustache. My report included posters with drawings of Mickey Mouse that I had made to illustrate the difference between how he looked in the first Mickey Mouse cartoon in 1928 (which by the way was Plane Crazy, and NOT Steamboat Willie thank you very much).

I think I let the fake mustache get to me, because it wasn’t long afterwards that I decided I really wanted to BE Walt Disney. That was my dream. I had great ambitions as a 4th grader. It was shortly after this that I created my very own cartoon characters. You know them here, as Michael and Wendy Raccoon.

It was my plan to do as Walt did, and create animated cartoons that surely the world would embrace as they did Mickey. Shortly thereafter, I would branch my newfound and lucrative stardom into my own animation studio just as Disney did. Then I would continue to build until my work was all over the movies and TV stations on Saturday mornings (because back then all the good cartoons were on Saturday mornings). Then, to complete my raging success, I would build my own theme park somewhere in California. There my raccoon characters would greet all of their adoring fans that would come from all over the world just to see them.

Somewhere along the lines I grew up a little, and realized that no one would ever repeat the talent, the entrepreneurship, and the lucky timing with technology to equal Walt Disney. So naturally I decided that I would just have to get Disney to distribute my cartoons, so that my characters could greet their adoring fans at Disneyland. It all seemed like a good plan.

And so here today, I have this little comic strip. The dream of a 10 year old boy. Forgive me if indulge him ever so slightly. The truth is, the older I get, the more I think I had it right in the 4th grade.

The post Can I Have Your Autograph? appeared first on Raccoon Toons.