Have a SUPER Halloween everyone!!

Get it? Super? See what I did there?

I’m so clever.

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Pockets. Pockets. Pockets.

Many years ago in the first grade, pockets were everything. Pockets were it. Pockets were what mattered. Let me explain.

At the beginning of every class our teacher Ms. Wiley, would place a large pile of magic beans on our desks. They were in fact, flat glass marbles, but for some reason I always preferred to call them magic beans. Because magic beans is a way cooler name than flattened marbles. Attributing some sort of mystical power to these little glass objects increased their value exponentially.

Once the beans were placed on our desk, we were instructed to place a marble into each of our pockets. Every pocket. Jean pockets. Coat pockets. Shirt pockets. Even hat pockets. Once we had proceeded to put a marble into every last pocket, the teacher would then instruct us to remove one. We would count. 1. Then she would tell us to remove another. 2. This would continue until all the marbles had been removed from all the pockets.

I suppose the point of this exercise was to teach us how to count. But none of us, including Ms. Wiley really cared about the counting. No no. It was all about who could have the most pockets. The competition was on.

At first the amount of pockets was pretty standard. The average was 4 pockets or so. Kids who wore jeans got that sneaky extra little pocket that hides inside its larger brother on the right thigh. Pretty soon kids were wearing jackets to school with extra pockets on the outside and in. The record number of pockets got higher and higher.

We began layering our clothes. Doing anything we could to get one more pocket above the competition. Hooded sweatshirts were worn under jackets. Pants with extra pockets on the legs suddenly appeared.

But it was all over when that one girl wore her special pocket jacket.

There was a girl who sat on the other side of the room. I cannot remember her name. We’ll call her Ralphina. Ralphina had this jacket with what seemed like a ka-zillion pockets. It was completely unfair. Some of us worked really really hard to come up with ways to scrounge out an extra pocket or two. But Ralphina didn’t have to. All she had to do was wear her special jacket.

You see during this particular era, at the height of their popularity was the exceptionally trendy: jean jacket. Yes, the denim jacket. So popular in its day. So ostracized after its fall. But one thing they didn’t lack, was pockets. I don’t know what it was about the 80′s but man did we sure have a thing for pockets.

The highest number of magic beans I was ever able to place in my pockets was 13. 13 pockets was the highest I was capable of. 5 in my jeans. 1 on the breast of a t-shirt that I hated but only wore for the pocket. 1 in a Stanford hooded sweatshirt that was handed down from my cousin. And 5 in my own jean jacket.

That was my record. It wasn’t the highest ever, but it was the best I was capable of. The pinnacle of my pocket planning plot.

Ralphina had 17.

SEVENTEEN POCKETS!!!

Who the HECK needs 17 pockets?!?!

After a while Ms. Wiley stopped having us place magic beans in our pockets. I suppose it’s possible that she had decided we had all adequately proved that we knew our numbers. But I don’t think that was the case. No one likes a blow out. I think she, like us, knew that the competition was over. Ralphina’s special jacket had won the day.

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Suck in that gut gentlemen. We aren’t as young as we used to be.

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I was not cool this year. I did not attend any wild and crazy Halloween parties on account of my work schedule. I did not don one of my many reusable Halloween costumes (Giants baseball player, Indiana Jones) and venture out into the night of All Hallow’s Eve. But it’s all good. I did carve some insanely awesome pumpkins. And I did eat a little too much candy over the course of the weekend. And I get a vacation next week. Whooooo!

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How to scare the ever-living-crud out of your trick-or-treaters:

First, get some big baggy clothes. I recommend some large flannel shirts, and a pair of jeans from the 90′s. Or perhaps Hammer pants.

Once you’ve dressed in the clothes, add a little extra padding here and there. Hay sticking out of the sleeves is a nice touch.

Next, find yourself a mask of sorts. A ski mask, Halloween mask, doesn’t matter. Finally, top it all off with a really big hat. A sombrero will perform nicely.

Now, situate yourself on your porch so as not to look alive. You want to appear as though you are a real dummy. That shouldn’t be too difficult.

Place a bowl of candy beside you or rest it in your arms. Leave a sign on your door that points to the bowl and suggests that children “take two.”

Now the fun can begin. Turn off all the lights in your house so nobody thinks you’re home.

You know what to do next. Children are greedy little punks. The first group that comes to your door will see the bowl of candy and ignore the mandate of simply “taking two.” They will reach their grubby little hands into the bowl and grab handful after handful. That is…if you let them.

Now is your moment to strike. With one swift movement jump up with your arms in the air and shriek in deafening horror. Those greedy little mongrels will scream in terrifying agony. Oh how glorious is the comeuppance.

This model provides hours of Halloween fun. Friends and family can watch safely from inside the darkened home and participate in the Halloween magic. A video camera hidden in the bushes can preserve the beautiful memories so that you can share them with your children’s children, and teach them the importance of honesty. Yes. Because that’s what we’re doing here. Teaching children the importance of honesty.

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You know you had a good Halloween party when you’re just getting in at 4:45am. Have a safe and happy Halloween everyone!

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I know there’s plenty of Halloween parties that are starting up this weekend. (And baseball parties too!!) Have fun, be safe, and wear lots of black and orange!

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Is it just me, or is Halloween becoming less of a holiday for the kids, and more of a holiday for scantily clad sorority girls? I’m not going to turn this into a rant about current trends in women’s costumes. But I will say this: Underwear ≠ Costume. I mean seriously. I’m as attracted to beautiful women as the next guy, but that’s just not very creative. C’mon girls, you can do better.

But let’s be honest and realistic here. When you dress like a dumb floozy*, I’m going to assume you’re a dumb floozy. And when you walk around in your underwear and think it qualifies as a costume, I don’t just think you’re a dumb floozy, I know you’re a dumb floozy.

What on earth could you possibly be dressing “up” as when you’re practically naked? I suppose it’s possible that in this scenario your Halloween costume is in fact, a dumb floozy…but if that’s the case…you really aren’t just pretending…

* (The word “floozy” was substituted for a number of other possible less kid-friendly choices. Take your pick.)

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I really enjoy making the holiday themed comic strips. I’ve been doing Valentine’s Day the most regularly, but I think the Halloween ones are my favorites to do. It’s a lot of fun to come up with costumes for my characters and see what they look like.

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New Halloween comic stripping goodness.

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