It has been well documented that girls only like guys with skills. So it should come as no surprise then, that women prefer a man who can actually take care of himself in some capacity. I suspect this means a steady job or income, the skill of dressing oneself, and the ability to not run in a frenzied panic and hide under the bed every time a bill arrives in the mail. I can’t be certain, but I sense that’s what women today are hoping for.

And then of course, there is the ability to sustain oneself by eating. I’ve taken a lot of flack for this over the years, given the fact that I frequently eat the same things everyday. Things, which given my skill set in the kitchen, require little to no culinary preparation whatsoever. I don’t really see a problem with it. I’m healthy. I never seem to grow tired of the same foods everyday. I get my nutrients. Most of them. Except the green ones. And I save a whole lot of precious cartoon-making time by not wasting hours in the kitchen when I’m hungry NOW. So I really don’t see the problem. I am in fact, happy with my meals.

Women on the other hand think there’s something wrong with me. They feel it’s important to fix me. They notice my extreme bachelorhood and respond in one of two ways. Either they shake their heads in disdain and frustration at the hopeless man-child before them, or… OR! they take it upon themselves to feed this poor hungry soul. That’s right boys and girls, I have unwittingly discovered the secret to having all kinds of delicious meals suddenly making their way onto your dinner plate.

I didn’t plan it this way. It just happened. All of a sudden, people discovered that I only spend $30 a month on groceries and they started bringing me food. And who am I to deny their kindness?? It’s a way better system than food stamps. Trust me.

Alma makes great cookies (when she doesn’t burn them on purpose), but her real strength is in her shredded beef tacos. Sooooooo good.

Rosie makes these amazing fudge bars, but what’s even better than that is her meatballs. No one can eat just 9.

I have mentioned in past posts about the tantalizing and addictive nature of Kaye’s mint brownies. Never was there a more exquisite brownie made. Seriously. You will lose the taste for all other brownies when once the mint bar has grazed your taste buds. And her husband Bob makes the greatest homemade pizzas ever. EVER.

Laura used to make me strawberry pie when we worked together. But the REAL queen of pie is Sharon. Oh. My. Goodness. When Sharon calls and tells me there is a Lemon Meringue pie waiting for me to come and pick it up it’s like five Christmas all rolled into one. When you bite into a slice it’s like magic. Like wonder. Like magic and wonder. Like pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows. Oh Lemon pie. You are so delicious. Mmmmm….

And of course my mother makes the greatest macaroni and cheese known to man, which sounds silly until you’ve tried it, and your mind, body, and soul are completely blown away by the most perfect and desirable food that has been or ever will be created.

So you see, I actually eat pretty well. Now I know what you’re thinking. I’m a reasonably intelligent person. And you’re right, I suppose I COULD sit down and learn how to actually make these foods myself. But it just wouldn’t be the same. It’s just so much nicer when it comes from the kindness of one of my friends. I think their efforts actually make the food better somehow. Maybe that’s why it always tastes better when you make it.

The post Skills and Foods appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I’ve been out of town and I’ve been eating like crud. You know you have a problem when the drive thru guys start to recognize your car and have your order ready before you even open your mouth…

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Lousy vegetables. Why is it that everything that is “good for you” tastes like complete and utter garbage? It’s crazy talk I say! Crazy talk! Next you’ll be telling me that skunk-juice and battery acid are “good for me.” Well they aren’t. Trust me.

I have a theory. I think our bodies are smarter than we give them credit for. I think our bodies know what they want. And if my body wants to forgo stupid disgusting vegetables in favor of Red Vines and chocolate milk, who am I do go against nature??

Ok. Maybe that’s a poor example. But I can’t help it. I’ve always been a picky eater. Growing up I was often tortured at the dinner table with foods that no child should have to endure. I am speaking of course, of the bane of my existence, the tuna casserole.

Oh how I loathed that deplorable mess of “dinner.” It would sit there on the kitchen table steaming in it’s dish…the peas and tuna slosh mocking me and my torment. I did everything I could to avoid eating that dinner. I begged. I screamed. I cried. But no. My parents would not allow be to abstain from the horrors of this nefarious meal. I once sat at the dinner table for hours, long after everyone else had gone, because it was deemed that I would not be excused until I had eaten what was on my plate. But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I knew it. The casserole knew it. We were deadlocked in an eternal struggle for my very soul.

But I would not give in. Finally, when it became abundantly clear that I was in no way going to put that filth into my mouth, my dad gave up and very frustratingly sent me to bed. My parents were not happy to say the least. But it didn’t matter. My cause was just. And I had avoided a great and terrible evil.

I was never again served my arch nemesis; tuna casserole. The battle was over. The victory won.

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As a veteran trick-or-treater, I have experienced much in the ways of Halloweeny candy collecting goodness. I have scouted the best candy collecting areas ahead of time. I have created routes and maps to promote efficiency in my trick-or-treating. And I have utilized pillow cases and rollerblades to maximize both speed and transitability (I think I just invented that word by the way). All these years of research and training have taught me one thing: Not all candies are created equal.

First off, you would be wise to get the inside scoop on your hometown trick-or-treating ahead of time. Usually about the time kids reach the 4th grade they’ve come to know exactly where all the good houses are. I remember there was one specific house in our home town that EVERYONE knew would give out full 2.17 oz. bags of Skittles. The orange bagged ones. 2.17 oz!! NO ONE gives those out!!

There are however, homes which fail to measure up even to the most basic candy offerings. Fruit, for example is NOT candy. Nor should it ever be confused with candy. Raisins, are MOST DEFINITELY NOT candy. In fact, if you give me raisins, I will probably give you a kick in the face. I mean really. Raisins are only cool when they’re singing and dancing on stage (in which case they are VERY cool). Who wants to eat old fruit that’s been left out in the sun?!? Not me. You jerks.

What about those orange circus peanuts? No. I don’t care what you say. Those things are their own special breed of grossness. They’re like a mutant brand of candy. They’re an abomination. Somehow forged together from marshmallows, raw sugar, peeps, and a lot of orange food coloring. The worst thing about them, is that even though they’re absolutely disgusting, you can’t bring yourself to stop eating them. I swear they’re like the cocaine of disgusting Halloween candies. So wrong. So very wrong.

Personally I love a good piece of chocolate, or perhaps some fruity-candy. Or Red Vines. Oh my goodness yes. That is my holy grail of Halloween candies. So often sought for. So rarely obtained. I do love those red, beautiful, luscious, Red Vines.

…my six-pack abs however, seem to have personal differences with them.

The post Apples Are Not Candy appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Muffin top. Spare tire. Sausage roll. Sometimes, when I’m sitting at my desk working, I can actually feel myself getting fatter. I can see my gut growing in slow motion. Laughing at me. Mocking me. Taunting me like a rabid monkey. I hate you desk job. I hate you and your fat-inducing ways. I hate everything you stand for.

Turns out it isn’t really age or slowing metabolisms that makes us fatter. It’s that stupid no-good desk job. As if you needed further evidence that your desk jobs are really the brainchild of Satan himself. I say we revolt. If we all overturn our stupid pointless desk jobs we can create a new world order of happy sunshine and trim midsections. Come, be united with our cause. Join us.

Ugh… I need to get to the gym.

The post Desk Fatty appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Ahhh…baseball season! There’s something magical about a new season of our nation’s favorite past time. Throughout the history of our country baseball has always been a constant. Scoff at me if you wish for my love affair with this game, but “Opening Day” of baseball season is perhaps the most anticipated day on my calendar. It’s a new beginning, full of hopes, dreams, and ambitions. It ends the long cold winter, and ushers in a new season of warmth and sunshine in which children play the game, and fathers play catch with their sons. Familiar voices on the radio are welcomed into our homes like old friends, and our cares and worries simultaneously dissipate into the air.

Maybe I’m old fashioned and sentimental. Perhaps my love for tradition and history fuel my childlike love for the game. Perhaps it is the memories of watching games with my own father. Or maybe I’m just excited because my team is off to a good start. Regardless, here’s to another wonderful season of baseball, our American game!

~Matt

The post Happy Opening Day! appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Just wanted to say a big welcome to anyone who might be visiting the site for the first time! The new site is really coming along, feel free to read through the archives, make some comments, watch some movies, and explore the site a little. There are close to 150 comic strips posted here, as well as a collection of short films in the movies section. You can find our facebook page at the banner below. Be sure to check back as new things are being added. A new comic strip is always posted on Wednesdays, and additional sections and cartoons will be added in the near future, so be sure to come back again real soon!

~Matt

PS. Get your fortune read here!

The post Girl Scout Cookies appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Welcome to the new comics site! The rest of the site is really coming along, and should be up soon! Enjoy all the comic strips, and check back every Wednesday as new strips will be added.

The post Wendy’s Diet appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Ok, so I have a confession to make. I’ve been drawing this comic strip for years. And ever since the beginning I’ve sworn up and down that the comic strips were not autobiographical. That’s still the case…but the truth is the vast majority of my comic strips have some sort of basis in my experiences in life.

This comic strip is no different. I once took a girl out for a day in the sun. On the way we stopped briefly for lunch. I was amazed as she easily got down a couple of rather large hamburgers. But what really blew my mind, was later that night when the woman devoured…nay…INHALED an entire pizza all on her own! It was truly incredible! I didn’t want to say anything to embarrass her, but on the inside, I was cheering her on. It really was awesome. Now many years later, I thought I would forever immortalize that moment in this comic strip. And if by chance, the girl should ever stumble upon this, I’d just like to say: “Seriously, that was awesome.”

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