I expertly avoided jury duty this last week. I was very fortunate. I had a great number. We’ll see if I’m so lucky next time…

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I don’t get much mail anymore. Well, I guess I never did get much mail. But I get even less now. I’m sure we have the digital world to thank for that. Thanks digital world. Thanks a lot. Now my mailbox AND my email box are BOTH full of useless junk.

I miss the days of the handwritten note. I enjoyed drawing little cartoons in the margins for whomever would receive my letter. Seems like we just don’t have time for that sort of thing anymore. The world moves too quickly. We expect our replies and responses to be instantaneous and immediate. In today’s world a day without an expected response could be interpreted as an insult or being completely ignored. We have no patience anymore. No anticipation. No wonder.

Remember when we were kids and we used to pass notes in school? Maybe you had one of those teenage romances where you would secretly hand notes to each other between classes. Remember the excitement that you’d feel as you couldn’t wait to read it when nobody else was looking? Remember how you couldn’t wait to get out a piece of paper and a pen and respond? Remember how you used to find clever and intricate ways to fold it up when you were finished? And how you used to artistically craft the name of the recipient on the front? It was beauty and wonder and art all at the same time.

Do kids still do that sort of thing? Or do they just text each other all day? I’m seriously asking–I don’t know. But if they’re not writing secret handwritten notes to each other they are seriously missing out. Some of my earliest skills as a writer were developed in such a fashion.

Sometimes I wish we could all slow down a little bit and pick up our pens and paper again. Technology is great…but there’s something more meaningful and exciting about a handwritten letter that took time and effort to write, and days to make the journey to your home. It carries with it an extra sort of power. You can feel it in it’s pages. You can see the words as they were truly written.

It just…feels better. And you can’t top that with 160 characters.

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Dear (place name here),

This is of course the opening of the letter. Most girls begin casual letters with “Hey (place name here),” or maybe just the name at the top of the page. When the letter begins formally with “Dear,” you should take caution and prepare for the worst.

Paragraph #1 (Prior stuff)

The first initial paragraph is usually the standard letter material. i.e.: “Hey, how are you? I am fine. Class is really boring…etc.” Guys don’t want to hear all this pointless drivel. It lulls us into a false sense of security.

Paragraph #2 (Rejection)

The second paragraph consists of the actual rejection, and often times begins with the phrase, “I am going to be totally honest with you.” This is where the big warning lights come on. Obviously if a girl states that she is just now going to begin to be honest, then logic would presume that she has been dishonest and deceiving up until this point. It’s bad enough that they’re rejecting us, but as if only to add insult to injury they feel obligated to tell us that they’ve been lying to us all this time. Another popular opening is “I’ve been doing some thinking.” Any letter that has this phrase can’t be anything but trouble. Any guy anywhere will tell you that thinking is bad. Thinking leads us to places that we don’t want to be, places that we shouldn’t be. And besides that, it makes our heads hurt.

Paragraph #3 (Apology for rejection)

After the rejection, there always seems to be a huge portion dedicated to apologizing for one’s feelings (as if feelings were somehow controllable). Various phrases like, “I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me,” and “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now,” tend to pop up. Many times, a girl will write, “But I still want to be friends.” This is never good. Nothing stings worse than the infamous “F-word.” Saying that phrase is much like a kidnapper releasing his prisoner and saying, “Hey, come back and visit!” To the women of the world I plead with you; I beg of you: Do not offer us the consolation prize of friendship, not after you’ve just pushed our hearts through your own little garbage disposal of rejection. Although it is admirable for you to want a friendship between you and your rejectee, the word “friend” is not something he wants to hear right now.

Love, (place name here)

Ever notice how girls always sign their letters with “Love,” or one of those hearts? It doesn’t matter what the letter says, they refuse to sign it any other way. The letter could say, “I hate you, I never want to see you again. I hope you rot in heck,” and they’d still sign it “Love, (name here)”. As if they weren’t already confusing enough, they feel the need to contradict themselves. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it’s all part of some grand conspiracy to mislead the male population of the earth. The first step is to turn our minds to Jell-O with their countless contradictions and mixed signals. After that, they attempt to get us thinking… What else could account for such conformity among so many rejection letters?

Almost every letter that I’ve studied follows the above outline’s basic design. Mere coincidence? Perhaps. But I’m not so sure. But the fact remains the same: Women are poorly educated in the ways of the “Dear John.” I wonder if there’s some type of course available for girls that teaches the fine art of rejection. Maybe it could be used for college credit.

In light of such widespread misunderstanding, I would like to display the ideal rejection letter in hopes of better educating the female population:

“Dear (place name here)
I don’t like you. I never did. Sorry.
Sincerely,
(place name here)”

Straight and to the point. Some may say that this method is a little harsh, and lacks the gentle tone of the typical “Dear John” letter. This is true, but to the girl who says, “I don’t want to hurt his feelings,” you need to understand that it is inevitable. No guy’s going to get shot-down and be greatly enthused because his feelings weren’t hurt.

In closing, there’s really no easy way to go about rejecting a person. Someone’s bound to get hurt, so you might as well get it over with in one clean shot. Being rejected is a lot like having your heart dug-out with a dull spoon: nobody wants it prolonged. Don’t beat around the bush, or drop little hints that he’s about to get his tail feathers dropped. I’m sure he’ll thank you for it later. I once had a girlfriend who said to me, “All men should be kept underground and only be used for breeding.” She dumped me four days after we started dating. I should have seen it coming.

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