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Today’s topic: How to get out of a speeding ticket. First, I should probably disclose that I’ve gotten “a few” speeding tickets. I should also probably disclose that up until the most recent time I was pulled over I had never actually gotten out of a speeding ticket before. So apparently that makes me an expert on how NOT to get out of a speeding ticket, which is basically the same thing as being an expert on how TO get out of a speeding ticket. Obviously. I’ve heard it both ways.

Here are some popular methods that are worth attempting:

Being polite: Once I tried being really polite. It didn’t work, and the cop was kind of patronizing. So while I never recommend NOT being polite, it would seem that this particular strategy isn’t enough on it’s own to warrant getting out of a speeding ticket. Being polite success rate: 0%

Acknowledging your wrongdoing and taking responsibility for your actions: I have often heard others say that if you readily accept responsibility for your speeding antics, the police officer will often find it so refreshing that he will reward your commanding grasp of accountability by not giving you a ticket.

I’ve tried it. It didn’t work. It seems they are all too ready to give you a ticket if you suggest it. Accepting responsibility success rate: 0%

Being a policeman: My cousin, who is a police officer once told me he gets out of speeding tickets by having a gun in his car.

Wait. You probably don’t want to try that one. Let me rephrase that.

He gets out of speeding tickets by showing them his permit to carry firearms, which is a good segue into his being a police officer, which is a good segue into them letting him out of his speeding ticket. Obviously, as I am not a policeman, I cannot attest to this personally. Being a policeman success rate: -unknown- as I do not have a gun. Or a badge. Well…at least not a real one.

Crying: Given the fact that I am strong, masculine, he-man of rippling muscle and mighty stature, it would likely be impossible for me to cry my way out of a speeding ticket. I prefer to keep my man-card, thank you very much. Crying success rate: -NA- Because I’m much too studly to cry.

Speeding to the next available exit, driving down a backstreet, turning off your engine and hiding under the dashboard: This idea just seems ludicrous. Who would ever try such a thing?? Obviously I cannot in good conscience encourage such reckless behavior. Speeding to the next available exit success rate: I plead the 5th.

Being a San Francisco Giants fan: The first time I got pulled over (in Nevada no less), the officer took 15 miles off my clocked speed simply because it was clear I was a Giants fan. That’s got to be worth half a point or something. The most recent time I got pulled over was coming back from San Francisco on the greatest night in the history of the universe. Since I was only high on the majesty of triumph and the euphoric nirvana of victory that comes with being a fan of the greatest baseball team in the universe (and not anything ELSE from San Francisco), the police officer felt no need or desire to give me a ticket on that particular evening. That’s right folks. I’ve been pulled over more than a few times. The only thing that’s ever worked, is being a Giants fan. Being a Giants fan success rate: 75%

There is of course, one more strategy to getting out of a speeding ticket…

Being a beautiful woman: I know girls who have never received a speeding ticket in their lives. Girls who drive so carelessly and so fast their Christian Louboutins must be filled with lead. But they remain ticketless. They think it’s because they’re so nice and friendly. It’s not. Being a beautiful woman success rate: 100% (unless of course you’re a dude).

The post How To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Ok. First thing’s first. Before I write my entry this week all of you need to head on over to facebook-land and “like” our newly re-branded page. Even if you were already a fan before, chances are you were removed from the page during the re-branding, so you need to click that “like” button again if you want to help the cause and if you want all the weekly updates in your feed.

Here. I’ll make it SUPER easy for you:

^There.^ Click the “like” button. That’s it. So easy. Click it. Click it good.

Now, I will commence with this week’s completely unrelated ranting, which I like to call, “A Hypothetical But Factually Based Conversation With Facebook Regarding My Fan Page.”

Matt: Hey Facebook, thanks for making an option for me to create a “page” for my cartoons! It’s been really useful for sharing my work with others, and was especially helpful when my website crashed back in 2008.

Matt: Hey, so I was wondering… I’ve rebuilt my website, and I’ve changed the name of my cartoons as well as the domain name. I’d like to change it on the Facebook page as well.

Matt: What? Why not?

Matt: Yeah, but I’m not changing it to anything offensive.

Matt: You could look.

Matt: Ok…but…wouldn’t it be worse if I was actually POSTING offensive material? All I’m asking is for the right to change the name of MY page to reflect the change in MY brand. You don’t own my brand.

Matt: This is silly. C’mon. Please?

Matt: Why would I do that? I’d lose readers, all the comments and history, annoy fans, and I’d spend hours rebuilding the new one. That would hurt my brand.

Matt: I DO own the thing.

Matt: Ok. Now you’re making me mad. I’m going to spend the next 2 years sending you daily negative feedback regarding this single issue.

2 Years later…

Matt: For reals? Awesome! Thank you so much!

Matt: Um…but I have lots more than that.

Matt: That doesn’t seem fair. If I had less than 100 I could just start over anyway. Why punish those of us who have used your pages the longest?

Matt: You do realize I’m just going to keep sending you emails about this issue…

1 year later…

Matt: Ah-ha! Finally! I knew if I waited long enough you’d finally be logical about this!

Matt: Sweet! Finally a victory for the little guy! Here’s your form.

Matt: Great!

Matt: Wait, what?? Why??

Matt: Um…did you even LOOK at my page?? The name is my old domain name. It isn’t even active anymore. If you typed the address it would immediately take you to my new one. It’s only misleading if we DON’T change it.

Matt: You know what? Screw you. And screw Rufus. I’m going to delete two thirds of my own fan base from my own page and change the name myself you heartless, senseless bastards.

Matt: You have effectively hurt my brand name. Thanks a lot.

Matt: You’re a real jerk Facebook.

The post License, Registration, & Page Name appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I still remember the first time I was caught speeding. I was driving through Nevada, at a somewhat impressive speed. (By the way, in case any of you were curious, my Saturn’s engine tops out at 103mph.) The police officer was pretty cool though. On the ticket he wrote that I was only going 5 mph over the speed limit, instead of…well…a lot more. He did so because he noticed I was a Giants fan. Yup. My die-hard baseball allegiance saved me a couple hundred dollars and some points on my license. And that, boys and girls, is yet another reason why choosing the right baseball team is so very important.

The post Caught Speeding appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I’ve been out of town and I’ve been eating like crud. You know you have a problem when the drive thru guys start to recognize your car and have your order ready before you even open your mouth…

The post Too Much Fast Food appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I hate date planning. Dates used to be so simple: A dinner, some delicious milkshakes, maybe a movie. It’s so much more complicated now. Women expect so much more. They want to be taken somewhere new and exciting. Dinner and a movie just isn’t good enough anymore. I’m constantly worrying about how to keep a girl entertained for several hours straight. Granted, I’m a terribly entertaining guy, but sometimes it feels as though my basic wit and charm aren’t enough. In today’s ADD generation it feels as though I have to be constantly peppering my dates with one  elaborate activity after the other just to seem relevant. I have nothing against these large expensive dates filling to the brim with excessive entertainment, but the truth is, all I really want to do is just sit and talk with you.

I go on a lot of first dates. I don’t like elaborate first dates. I want to use that time to get to know a girl. Just pick her brain a little and see who she is. What is she like? What’s her favorite color? Who is her favorite baseball player? Are there dimples when she smiles? Did she ever watch “The Jetsons?” Which “Scooby-Doo” character does she most relate to? Y’know…important stuff.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never taken any dates to any cheap fast food places or anything. And I can plan some amazing dates. I’ve done some pretty elaborate ones in my time. Ridiculously incredible dates involving all kinds of mystery, intrigue, romance, excitement, and more creativity than all your past and future boyfriends combined. But for the most part, I just want spend time with the girl.

So if I plan a date that you perceive to be boring or somewhat uneventful, it’s really just because I’m more interested in you and who you are, than I am about what we’re doing.

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Raccoon Toons has made it to Round 3 of the Cartoonist Studio’s comic strip contest! Help us out and vote for Raccoon Toons! You can vote once every 6 hours! We appreciate your support!!

The post Date Planning appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I have a car. It’s a wonderful little car, and I like it. It’s also old. And kind of falling apart. And kind of held together by duct tape…

I inherited my little gold sedan from my father who drove it to and from work everyday. It’s been a good car over the years, despite it’s increasing age. Little things have started to fall apart. The first thing to go was the visor over the front passenger seat. It falls off. Usually into the lap of whoever is my date that night. It scares the crud out of them and isn’t a bad little conversation point which is probably why I haven’t bothered to fix it.

The next thing to go was the sunroof. It use to open AND close. Truly a marvelous piece of invention. These days it will only “vent” and close. It only opens or closes completely if you use one hand to put constant pressure on the glass while the other hand continuously presses the open button, which by the way, I’ve decided isn’t a good idea while driving.

Interestingly enough, my sunroof’s permanently closed state doesn’t seem to prevent it from leaking water on me. It always comes as a bit of surprise, and only happens when I make left turns. The point of drip of course, is right in line with the driver’s left eye, so if you’re not careful you’ll get a flood of dirty rain water in your face just as you’re turning left to go buy more milk from the grocery store. A towel in the backseat is good preparation.

The next part of the car to collapse was the handle in the passenger seat. My friend Jeff is a rather large man, and accidentally pulled it completely off when we were headed to Spanish class one morning. He felt pretty bad about it. I just laughed. But repairing that proved to be a simple fix, so that one is no longer an issue.

The interior roof sags like your grandmother. Sometimes it almost reaches the driver’s temple, but I’m not a terribly tall man, so that is less of an issue for me. It also has some holes in the padded ceiling, due to when I accidentally scratched it with my music binder during that time I was taking singing lessons. Yeah, I took singing lessons. What’s it to you??

The next little disaster was when my driver side mirror somehow magically jumped off of the car (I’m sure that pillar had nothing to do with it). It took some creativity and a healthy dose of Shoe-Goo, but I managed to readhere it to the side of the car. There was also some duct tape involved.

Finally, someone decided it would be fun to break one of the back passenger windows while my car slumbered in the driveway one evening. It has since been replaced with a sleek and sexy piece of cardboard which I glossed with packing tape to weather the infrequent California storm. I drew a cartoon on it. It looks lovely.

So you may laugh at my car when you see me driving down the road. Dates may think twice about entering its domain, or cringe at the musty smell of wet interior. You may find my car laughable. You may poke fun at its lack of power windows. You may think it’s dingy, or just plain old. But I would disagree. It gets me where I need to go, and I think it has character. So there.

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We have a contest winner!!! Drum roll please! ………………………..

Congratulations to Robert Slye of Los Altos, CA! Robert is our randomly selected contest winner and will be featured in an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip!!

The post Who’s Driving? appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Readers!! It is the end of the month!! Today is your LAST day to enter our Jan 2012 contest for a chance to be featured in an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip!! Don’t procrastinate any longer!!! Enter NOW! Before it’s too late!!

Official Rules and entry instructions

The post Friend Or Date? appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Everybody needs a good wingman. Someone to help you get in the door. Someone to help you look cool. Someone to fill in any awkward pauses in conversation, or to distract your date’s friend so you can have a little alone time. As long as there were men there were wingmen. Even before there were airplanes, there were wingmen. Heck, I can think of several great wingmen just off the top of my head:

Mercutio

Chewbacca

KITT

Luigi Mario

Pedro

Cameron Frye

Ron Weasley

Dr. Watson

Scooby-Doo

Barney Rubble

So many admirable wingmen. Well done gents. Well done.

The post Wingman appeared first on Raccoon Toons.