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Today’s topic: How to get out of a speeding ticket. First, I should probably disclose that I’ve gotten “a few” speeding tickets. I should also probably disclose that up until the most recent time I was pulled over I had never actually gotten out of a speeding ticket before. So apparently that makes me an expert on how NOT to get out of a speeding ticket, which is basically the same thing as being an expert on how TO get out of a speeding ticket. Obviously. I’ve heard it both ways.

Here are some popular methods that are worth attempting:

Being polite: Once I tried being really polite. It didn’t work, and the cop was kind of patronizing. So while I never recommend NOT being polite, it would seem that this particular strategy isn’t enough on it’s own to warrant getting out of a speeding ticket. Being polite success rate: 0%

Acknowledging your wrongdoing and taking responsibility for your actions: I have often heard others say that if you readily accept responsibility for your speeding antics, the police officer will often find it so refreshing that he will reward your commanding grasp of accountability by not giving you a ticket.

I’ve tried it. It didn’t work. It seems they are all too ready to give you a ticket if you suggest it. Accepting responsibility success rate: 0%

Being a policeman: My cousin, who is a police officer once told me he gets out of speeding tickets by having a gun in his car.

Wait. You probably don’t want to try that one. Let me rephrase that.

He gets out of speeding tickets by showing them his permit to carry firearms, which is a good segue into his being a police officer, which is a good segue into them letting him out of his speeding ticket. Obviously, as I am not a policeman, I cannot attest to this personally. Being a policeman success rate: -unknown- as I do not have a gun. Or a badge. Well…at least not a real one.

Crying: Given the fact that I am strong, masculine, he-man of rippling muscle and mighty stature, it would likely be impossible for me to cry my way out of a speeding ticket. I prefer to keep my man-card, thank you very much. Crying success rate: -NA- Because I’m much too studly to cry.

Speeding to the next available exit, driving down a backstreet, turning off your engine and hiding under the dashboard: This idea just seems ludicrous. Who would ever try such a thing?? Obviously I cannot in good conscience encourage such reckless behavior. Speeding to the next available exit success rate: I plead the 5th.

Being a San Francisco Giants fan: The first time I got pulled over (in Nevada no less), the officer took 15 miles off my clocked speed simply because it was clear I was a Giants fan. That’s got to be worth half a point or something. The most recent time I got pulled over was coming back from San Francisco on the greatest night in the history of the universe. Since I was only high on the majesty of triumph and the euphoric nirvana of victory that comes with being a fan of the greatest baseball team in the universe (and not anything ELSE from San Francisco), the police officer felt no need or desire to give me a ticket on that particular evening. That’s right folks. I’ve been pulled over more than a few times. The only thing that’s ever worked, is being a Giants fan. Being a Giants fan success rate: 75%

There is of course, one more strategy to getting out of a speeding ticket…

Being a beautiful woman: I know girls who have never received a speeding ticket in their lives. Girls who drive so carelessly and so fast their Christian Louboutins must be filled with lead. But they remain ticketless. They think it’s because they’re so nice and friendly. It’s not. Being a beautiful woman success rate: 100% (unless of course you’re a dude).