I have no idea how old I am. No idea. Everyone should forget how old they are. It is the most liberating feeling one can imagine…except maybe buying milk in one’s underwears. That would be pretty liberating too.

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It’s your fault. That’s right. It’s your fault we’re in this mess. Don’t go around blaming the older generation. This falls squarely on you. You are to blame. Rotten teenagers.

It’s your fault we don’t have good movies anymore. And you know why?? Because your attention spans are the length of a gnat. A GNAT I SAY! You can’t sit still long enough to notice that these movies today cannot legitimately suspend one’s disbelief. You can’t sit still long enough to appreciate the artistic integrity of a beautifully composed shot or piece of writing. You can’t sit still long enough to notice the gaping plot holes in this summer’s latest blockbuster. When the movie is over you can’t tell if it was good or not because you HAVE no attention span. All you remember is a few massive explosions, some hot people kissing, and a bunch of  texting that was done during the film to your BFFs or whatever the heck you call them. I can’t be expected to keep up with your crazy texting teengage slang.

And all those movie people know this. They KNOW you have no taste. So they keep rolling out really really crappy movies with really crappy directors who fill their movies with really crappy story lines, horrendous actors, and massive explosions (-cough- I’m looking at YOU Michael Bay…).

But they don’t care. They don’t care because they’ve just set new records at the box office. They just made more money in week than you and I will ever see in our entire lives combined. And they made it because you’re a classless, tasteless, ignoramus. You uncultured and cretinous moron.

But that’s not the worst of it. The worst part of it, you like it. You watch these “movies” and then talk about how AMAZING they are. You go on and on about how much you enjoyed it, how thrilling it was, how great the special effects were, and how it TOTALLY should be nominated for an Oscar or something. “Plus the explosions went ‘KA-POW!!‘”

You cringe at the thought of ever watching a movie from before the 21st century. You won’t watch a movie in “black and white.” It pains my heart. Some of mankind’s most perfect films were filmed this way. Heaven forbid you should ever have to sit through a black and white film and discover the horrible truth that EVERY movie you’ve ever thought was any good was actually ripped off from another movie that did it better long before you were ever born.

But that would never happen. You could never sit down long enough to watch one. You have no attention span. You’d go through all kinds of crappy movie withdrawals. Before you even got halfway through you’d be spinning in circles with a bucket on your head and putting tuna down your pants. You have no idea why. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. You just love those shoes. I had a dog once. Oh look a fly!

And thus, we are left with nothing but really crappy movies.

This is YOUR fault. I’m holding YOU accountable. Thanks a lot American teenagers.

YOU are what’s wrong with everything in today’s world.

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I have discovered that I am becoming less and less of an extrovert as I become older. Perhaps maturity brings with it less of a need to be “cool” and fit in. Maybe I don’t have the time I once had to devote to being popular and extroverted. Or maybe I’m just being lazy.

Young Matt would not have put up with this. Young Matt would see to it that he was out every weekend doing something all crazy and extroverted-like. Young Matt would climb the social ladder with all the cool kids. Of course, young Matt would also [allegedly] break into schools to move desks around…so maybe young Matt wasn’t all that bright…

I will say this. I miss young Matt sometimes. That guy does whatever the heck he wants, whenever he wants. He never takes “no” for an answer. He dreams big, and somehow accomplishes it. That guy can do anything.

Somewhat older Matt  has gotten really good at sitting in office chairs and playing “Words With Friends.” I don’t know how it happened. Somewhere along the lines I started “growing up” and everything became a lot more complicated and boring. I can’t even remember the last time I got sent to the Dean’s office or stuck a bunch of plastic forks in someone’s lawn. What the heck man? What the heck.

As you may remember, I chose not to make a New Year’s resolution this year. But if I had, it would be to find wherever young Matt is hiding, and let him out to play more often. I think I could learn a thing or two from him.

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So what exactly IS cool?? And who or what dictates these things? Is there a committee that sits around a large table and one day decides to vote on making Justin Bieber and the Kardashians cool?? And if so, how did these people ever obtain such a lofty position of power? More importantly, how can we impeach them for their crimes against coolness?

Case in point: Disco. Platform shoes. The 70′s. Need I say more? Those in power have continuously led us astray on the path to coolness. They must be held accountable for their mistakes, even if those mistakes amount to an entire decade of really baaaaaaad decisions. The time for change has come. The time for change is now.

I propose a new plan of coolness. First of all, the cool voting age will be increased by 5 years. I’m looking at you preteens. No more teenyboppers and vampire stories. It’s your fault we’re in this mess. We must stop this trend now before it’s too late. Remember: Raise the age to break the phase.

Second: In order for something to be cool, it can’t be dumb. I know this sounds like a no-brainer, but clearly I have to write this into the coolness bylaws. Stupid celebrities are not cool. Reality dating on Television, is not cool. Childish bathroom humor spewed all over the reboot of your favorite childhood cartoon franchise is NOT cool. So, to recap: stupid things are not cool. Remember Mr. T’s infamous words of advice: Don’t be a fool. Stay in school.

Finally: Guys who draw cartoons and have their own websites will always and forever be cool. They might even be in their own super-class of cool. I know that might seem a little less obvious than the previous two bylaws, but it’s what’s needed to make our country great. Trust me.

I hope we can count on your support this November. It’s time to take back what’s ours. It’s time to take back our coolness.

The post What Is Cool? appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I’m not that old… I’m not that old… I’m not that old…

Last summer I was teaching a Photoshop/Digital Arts class in one of the local schools when I got particularly excited about the subject and exclaimed that the topic of what we were discussing was “rad.” The class started blankly at me for a moment while I wondered what was going on.  Finally my shoulders slumped in resignation.

“You have no idea what ‘rad’ means do you?”

…They didn’t. My soul was crushed. Like so many before it, the language of my generation had died. I might as well have been teaching Latin.

I’m not that old… I’m not that old… I’m not that old…

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I swear I was cool once. Honest. I wouldn’t lie about something like that. I really was cool once. I’m not exactly sure what caused my eventual decline from “Joe Cool” to “Joe Shmoe,” but somewhere along the line I seem to have dropped a few levels on the veritable guitar amp of coolness.

Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten older. Or maybe it’s because cartoons seemingly aren’t as cool in my current demographic as they once were in an earlier and simpler time.  Or maybe I’m still every bit as cool as I used to be and YOU’RE the one that’s changed. Yeah. That must be it. What happened man? You used to be cool. You’ve changed, man. You’ve changed.

Regardless, I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that I am just not as cool as I used to be. It isn’t so bad really. I can still sport awesome shoes and a perfectly quaffed head of hair. I can still woo the ladies with my eloquent charm. I can still invoke the coolness of the Fonz by wearing leather jackets and going “heeeeeeeeeeey!” I can certainly still win “Guess Who?” board game tournaments year after year. And hey, if that isn’t cool, I don’t know what is.

So maybe I’m not as cool as I used to be. Maybe my amps no longer play at 11. But they still play, man. They still play.

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You know what’s REALLY cool?? Being featured in a Raccoon Toons comic strip! If you’d like the chance to be drawn into a future comic strip enter our “Who Wants to Be In a Comic Strip?” contest! It’s easy! It’s free! Just follow these simple steps:

1. Like, follow, or subscribe

2. Share your favorite comic strip or post with your friends

3. Tell me how you shared

4. Eat a cookie

That’s it!! It’s SO easy!! One lucky winner will be chosen at random to be featured into an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip!! You have until the end of January to enter!! Don’t wait!

The post I Was Cool Once appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

This past week has been an interesting one for me. I sense changes coming in my future and I’m not entirely certain what to expect. Will it mean a new and fancy job? A change of venue? A new and ridiculously adorable relationship? A new twist in this season’s episodes of Castle?? I just don’t know.

What I can be sure of, is that I’m due for a change, and that the same old stuff just isn’t going to cut it any more. It’s time for something more. What exactly that will mean, I do not know. I’m secretly hoping it will mean that my intake of Yoo-hoo will be drastically increased, but I can’t really be certain. Time will tell.

The post Something New appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I’m stuck. I’m totally stuck. Not only is my future devoid of any kind of plan, but I can’t even think of anything clever or satirical to write under this comic strip. So I’m stuck in both the literal and the philosophical sense. I’m doubly stuck. Like a dinosaur caught in one of the La Brea Tar Pits while suffering a mid-life crisis. That’s me. Stuck-o-saurus  Rex. Someday people will find my bones and put me on display in a museum somewhere. But they’ll probably put the wrong skull on my body and then they’ll have to change my name later on when they realize I’m a completely different kind of Stuckeosaur. That would just be my kind of luck.

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You still have a chance to be featured in an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip! The official rules are here, but it’s really very simple:

1. Like the site.

2. Share your favorite comic strip from the site with people who are awesome.

3. Tell me you shared.

4. Cookie.

SO easy!! Make sure you leave a comment somewhere, send me an email (matt at raccoontoons.com), or let me know SOMEHOW how you shared or I won’t know to enter you into the drawing. One lucky winner will be selected at random and they WILL be drawn into an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip! You have until 12:29 am (California time) on February 1st. Good luck.

The post Merry Go Round appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I know I’m not really dying. Not really. But I’m not going to be 29 much longer. And 29 is significant to me. For me, 29 is really really lucky. Kind of like the lucky underwear that you wear during the playoffs. Yeah, that’s right. I know about your lucky underwear. So I’m a little saddened this year as my birthday looms nearer. Not because I’m entering a new decade that in my still adolescent mind is reserved only for old boring people who don’t play dodge ball, but because my lucky year will be expiring. And it has been a good year. One of the best actually. I finished school. I paid off some debts. My baseball team won the World Series. This website was relaunched. It’s been a pretty rockin’ good year, and I shouldn’t complain. But I’m going to miss being in my 20′s. But that’s ok I suppose…because I fully intend to pretend that I’m still in them. I’m pretty sure that’s part of being in your 30′s.

In case you hadn’t noticed, Raccoon Toons is doing comic strips 5 DAYS a week for this month! So be sure to check back M-F for the next several weeks!

The post Last Hurrah appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Planning is a critical part of any vacation. Without it, you could end up in a big city with nothing to do but go to the Justin Bieber concert. I’m not speaking from experience, that’s just one of the worst possible outcomes I could come up with.

The post Trip Planning appeared first on Raccoon Toons.