It’s that time again folks. The holiday season of gift giving is once again upon us. Time to go find that perfect gift. Get out there. Brave the holiday crowds. Hustle before all the good stuff is taken off the shelves.

What’s that you say? You’re stumped about what totally awesome gift to acquire for that totally awesome person in your life? You need some ideas to help you get the right gift for that special someone? Never fear, ye weary wanderer of the world wide web. I am the all and powerful internet, and I am here to provide you with answers.

Here are a list of things which would make outstanding gifts for ANY person in their right mind:

1. An Al Roker lawn gnome. I know they don’t exist. Not yet. But give it time.

2. 2012 World Series Championship gear Because duh.

3. Two large tubs of Red Vines. Don’t tease someone by only giving them one. Go big or go home.

4. A non-Apple computer.

5. A robot arm.

6. Carp Island.

7. Socks.

8. The complete box-set of the Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin. Actually forget your friends and family, you should just go out and buy it for yourself. Trust me on this one. You’ll thank me later.

9. A DeLorean.

10. An Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.

11. TWO gold plated hand puppets of monkeys (so they can talk to each other).

12. Large cash donations to his or hers cartoon website. Ready go.

13. Amy Adams’s phone number. Yes please.

14. Milk. You can never have enough milk.

So there ya go. Any of these simple gifts ought to make for the best Christmas ever. When your friends and family unwrap their presents this year and their eyes light up with childlike joy and wonder, you’ll be glad you took my advice. You’re welcome.

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I don’t understand the obsession. The passion. The waiting in line. The cult-like devotion. Those crazy Apple fanboys… You annoy the crud out of me.

Brand fanaticism has reached such a level in which the loyalty is so intense, that it’s reached a point of religious fervor.

-knock knock-

“Yes?”

“Hi! Hello! We’re here in the neighborhood and we’d like to share with you a special message about—”

“Oh…hey guys I—”

“about how Apple products can change your life and bring you happiness and salvation.”

“Wait…I thought… What?”

“We’d like to share this special message with you, and tell you more about ‘The Way.’ May we come in?”

“I’m…confused.”

“We understand. In today’s world there are so many brands to believe in. It can be difficult to find out which is the one true computer company. Have you ever felt this way?”

“I’m sorry. I’m still confused. Are you here to sell me something?”

“Oh no. Our message is free. If however you care to purchase one of our products, that will require a lifetime of commitment, increasing loyalty, and some type of pension plan.”

“Right…”

“I see you have an iPhone there! That’s good! How does it make you feel when you’re using it? I bet you like browsing our App Store!”

“Yeah… Actually I’m not as happy with it lately. The new operating system has really slowed it down. It crashes regularly. I can’t even use the Maps function anymore.”

“Did you jailbreak your phone sir?”

“Well yes but—”

“Jailbreaking is a sin, and has consequences. But don’t worry. That’s why we’ve come to share with you a message about repentance and salvation. May we come inside and share with you some pamphlets about our new iPhone 5?”

“I don’t really think—”

“Different. You just need to think different. Have you ever thought about where you’re going? What happens to you after that blue screen of death? It doesn’t have to be like that. The Way can help you just like it helped us.”

“Why are you showing me a picture of Steve Jobs?”

“Most people believe in a supreme being, even though we may call him by different names.”

“Get off my porch.”

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Yes, I am an artist. Yes, I live in Silicon Valley only minutes away from Cupertino, CA. No. I do not use a Mac…I didn’t drink the Kool-aid.

I realize there are a fair amount of my readers who live and breath by their Apple computers. I realize that Apple users can sometimes be a little more…sensitive about their brand loyalty. I’m not writing these things to alienate you. Truthfully. I just…don’t get it.

I don’t understand what’s so amazing about Apple computers. They aren’t as fast as my computer. I can’t swap out parts in them. There are so many programs that won’t run on them. You can’t watch the cartoons on THIS very website when using their smaller devices (and that REALLY ticks me off). I can’t play my really old DOS version of Eco Quest on them.

And don’t give me that same old line about “how much easier they are to use.” My mother STILL calls me every week because she can’t figure out how to read her email on her Mac. She still likes it though. “It looks so pretty.” It had better. It’s only used for email, and it cost twice as much as the computer I built myself.

Things are closed. Too many decisions are made for you. They say “think different” but they really mean “think like us.”

Look, I really don’t have any super brand loyalty one way or another (except when it comes to things that really matter, like baseball). I believe in purchasing the best product to suit one’s needs.

So given the choice between:

A.) a computer that does most daily tasks, but won’t open my older files and programs,

and

B.) a computer that will do all my daily tasks, will open my older files and programs, provide faster video rendering times, allow me to upgrade parts as I see fit,  isn’t afraid of Bluray, AND costs substantially less…

I’m going to choose the latter. It meets my computer needs. Don’t hate me for it.

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