Lousy vegetables. Why is it that everything that is “good for you” tastes like complete and utter garbage? It’s crazy talk I say! Crazy talk! Next you’ll be telling me that skunk-juice and battery acid are “good for me.” Well they aren’t. Trust me.

I have a theory. I think our bodies are smarter than we give them credit for. I think our bodies know what they want. And if my body wants to forgo stupid disgusting vegetables in favor of Red Vines and chocolate milk, who am I do go against nature??

Ok. Maybe that’s a poor example. But I can’t help it. I’ve always been a picky eater. Growing up I was often tortured at the dinner table with foods that no child should have to endure. I am speaking of course, of the bane of my existence, the tuna casserole.

Oh how I loathed that deplorable mess of “dinner.” It would sit there on the kitchen table steaming in it’s dish…the peas and tuna slosh mocking me and my torment. I did everything I could to avoid eating that dinner. I begged. I screamed. I cried. But no. My parents would not allow be to abstain from the horrors of this nefarious meal. I once sat at the dinner table for hours, long after everyone else had gone, because it was deemed that I would not be excused until I had eaten what was on my plate. But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I knew it. The casserole knew it. We were deadlocked in an eternal struggle for my very soul.

But I would not give in. Finally, when it became abundantly clear that I was in no way going to put that filth into my mouth, my dad gave up and very frustratingly sent me to bed. My parents were not happy to say the least. But it didn’t matter. My cause was just. And I had avoided a great and terrible evil.

I was never again served my arch nemesis; tuna casserole. The battle was over. The victory won.

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I have a creative mind. My apartment is living proof of this matter. I don’t have anything clever or witty to write this week, except to say that if anyone wants to come over and un-creative my mind I wouldn’t object. I can pay you…in empty pizza boxes, old t-shirts, and junk mail. You know you want to.

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Guys, we’ve been lied to. Turns out, not everything we see in the movies actually works in real life. I know, crazy right? But it’s the cold hard truth. We’ve endured countless chick flicks to make our dates happy, and all of them tell pretty much the same story. 2 guys. 1 girl. Guys fight over her. And to the victor go the woman’s heart. So naturally when we see our dates swooning over the brooding jealous type, we are left to assume that we can apply these same principles into our own lives.

Bad news gents. Turns out it’s soooo much more complicated than any given movie starring Sandra Bullock or Reese Witherspoon. You can’t just do something crazy and dramatic in the 3rd act to make the girl love you and forget about the other guy who EVERYONE can clearly see is a total jerk anyway. You can’t win the girl based on your sweet endearing humor despite the fact that your yearly income is suspect at best. I know, this hardly seems fair after a lifetime of Hollywood movies, but it’s the lot that we are left to deal with.

So what  DOES a girl want? After much research, I am left to conclude that she has absolutely NO IDEA what she wants. Not. A. Clue. It would appear that this is the part of life the movies actually got right. In preparation for writing this, I googled around a bit and found some real-life internet profiles of women and what they claim to be seeking from men. It reminded me of why I am no fan of online dating. Here are some excerpts (you know they’re authentic sadly, because I didn’t correct the spelling, punctuation, and grammar):

• “Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped! I want to be treated like the princess I am”

• “someone who can make me smile with a glance knows french loves movies and music wouldn’t mind dancing in the rain even if they were wearing a nice outfit happens to be in the milatary humble, kind, gracious, bruised”

• “I would like to meet an amazing man who loves to dance, cook, cuddle, kiss, who is intelligent, confident, knows exactly what he wants… and gets it…with dark hair and light eyes… Guys with long hair.”

• “You have to be able to keep up. If you like television marathons, interacting with video games, or devouring several bags of Lays while doing these things, you need not apply.”

• “a guy who loves me no matter how i look or how out of shape i will get. i want someone who likes to read and has realistics dreams. ofcourse a romantic guy. someone who brings me a single rose or small flower just because

• “A guy who accepts my weirdness, loves the crazy moments, and has infinite patience. I’m just a sucker for the fawning attention. A guy has to be a little passionate, yes. No one wants a wimp.”

• “to tell u the truth at first I want a guy who is dangerous, I want a bad boy, but when it starts to get serious, I want him to be serious, and cudly,,”

• “I’d tell you one thing, but I’d secretly be hoping for something else. But the first thing that came to mind [is] chocolate and someone to do my homework.”

Did you guys get all that? Wow! It’s all so easy! And I’m TOTALLY not being sarcastic to prove the absurdity of our expectations of the opposite sex! All we have to do is do all of those things until we finally succeed in becoming the likeness of every woman’s dreams! Like this guy:

Yes! We can do it guys! This is totally within our reach!! Oh wait…here’s one more personal I found:

• “The best thing a guy can do is try to be himself. Be yourself.”

Crap. Looks like we’re screwed, gents.

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I always think it’s funny when people argue about who’s life is worse. I mean really, when it’s all over, how do you tell who won??

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Matt says:

Well hello little miss cryptic.

What’s up with you??

Girl says:

cryptic?

what does that mean exactly?

Is that like a night owl?

Matt says:

cryptic??

you don’t know what cryptic means??

you’re a college graduate

seriously?

Girl says:

is it like ghostly

Matt says:

wow

wow

i’m at a loss

Girl says:

you could just tell me what it means…

Matt says:

i took 8 years to graduate from school, and you don’t know a simple word like “cryptic”

Girl says:

it took 6 years and i walked away with a masters degree. punk.

Matt says:

exactly

a masters degree

Girl says:

i havent googled it

Matt says:

cryp·tic/ˈkriptik/Adjective

1. Having a meaning that is mysterious or obscure.

didn’t you ever read?

it’s a really common word

it’s not one you should have to google

Girl says:

so you were really saying “Hey little miss mysterious or obscure”

Matt says:

no, i was really saying, “hey little miss cryptic” to a girl whom i thought had a high school education

Girl says:

yeah well, i have to let you think you’re teaching me something every once and a while

Matt says:

sorry

too late

i’ve already taken this to mean that people with masters degrees aren’t as smart as i was in high school.

Girl says:

oh geez

that’s so not attractive

hey

Matt says:

either is not knowing the meaning of a word that i’m pretty sure was on one of my vocabulary lists in my 7th grade english class

Girl says:

guess what’s being delivered to my house tomorrow morning???

Matt says:

i’m really hoping it’s a dictionary.

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So true.

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04/06/2008 It IS going to be a loooong season. Tomorrow’s my first day! Wish me luck!!

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04/02/2004 – You kind of have to live here in Utah to really get the full scope of this strip. It should be noted that I really don’t think that Utahans are a bunch of bigots. I just wanted to make a scene. Now that I’ve successfully accomplished that, I’m going to go to bed. We’ll see if I get anymore votes from the beehive state…

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