Once upon a time, as a young teenage lad, I had a driving lesson from a strange man who reminded me of John Travolta. Or fat Elvis. Or both. I was somewhat weirded out by this odd man with his flashy gold chains. Even worse, he made driving a somewhat painful and awkward experience. So I did what any young high school student would do: I wrote about him in the school newspaper.

And so, if you desire to relive teenage history with me, that particular column is in fact published somewhere on this website. You may read it by clicking HERE.

Be gentle with my simple teenage prose. My adolescent writing skills had only come so far.

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I have discovered that I am becoming less and less of an extrovert as I become older. Perhaps maturity brings with it less of a need to be “cool” and fit in. Maybe I don’t have the time I once had to devote to being popular and extroverted. Or maybe I’m just being lazy.

Young Matt would not have put up with this. Young Matt would see to it that he was out every weekend doing something all crazy and extroverted-like. Young Matt would climb the social ladder with all the cool kids. Of course, young Matt would also [allegedly] break into schools to move desks around…so maybe young Matt wasn’t all that bright…

I will say this. I miss young Matt sometimes. That guy does whatever the heck he wants, whenever he wants. He never takes “no” for an answer. He dreams big, and somehow accomplishes it. That guy can do anything.

Somewhat older Matt  has gotten really good at sitting in office chairs and playing “Words With Friends.” I don’t know how it happened. Somewhere along the lines I started “growing up” and everything became a lot more complicated and boring. I can’t even remember the last time I got sent to the Dean’s office or stuck a bunch of plastic forks in someone’s lawn. What the heck man? What the heck.

As you may remember, I chose not to make a New Year’s resolution this year. But if I had, it would be to find wherever young Matt is hiding, and let him out to play more often. I think I could learn a thing or two from him.

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This past week has been an interesting one for me. I sense changes coming in my future and I’m not entirely certain what to expect. Will it mean a new and fancy job? A change of venue? A new and ridiculously adorable relationship? A new twist in this season’s episodes of Castle?? I just don’t know.

What I can be sure of, is that I’m due for a change, and that the same old stuff just isn’t going to cut it any more. It’s time for something more. What exactly that will mean, I do not know. I’m secretly hoping it will mean that my intake of Yoo-hoo will be drastically increased, but I can’t really be certain. Time will tell.

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This totally sort of kind of happened to me once. Totally. I was working this temp job, and they had a luncheon. I didn’t know about it ahead of time (nobody tells the temp these things), but my boss came around and let me know that I was indeed invited to take part in the festivities. That was nice, although looking back it would have been really awkward if they hadn’t invited me, and the entire office went into the conference room to eat catered food while I sat alone at a desk in the cubicles and did mundane button pushing temp work. So yeah. I guess that was nice…

I seemed doomed to encounter an awkward moment that day. Maybe it was because I was just the office temp and didn’t know too many people in the office. Maybe it was because no one had bothered to inform me of the luncheon ahead of time and everyone else had dressed nicely leaving me underdressed by comparison. Or maybe the awkwardness was just written in the stars.

I managed through the lunch alright. I made small talk wherever I could. I struck up a meaningless but enjoyable conversation with someone in another department. I tried to take small bites of my food to make it last longer and to keep my mouth busy. It was nice of them I thought, to include me in this luncheon. Maybe they really did like me. Maybe when my temp work was completed they would consider hiring me on full-time! I felt like part of the team.

But then the inevitable awkwardness arrived. It was decided that they would be taking an office picture. I felt terribly out of place and wasn’t sure what to do. I had been doing temp work in this office for a couple months, but I wasn’t a permanent employee. Should I be in the picture? Should I not be in the picture? Should I run out of the room and hide prior to the taking of said picture? Aaaaaand panic. I felt that no matter what I did, things were going to be awkward and uncomfortable. I was right.

My first impulse was to suggest that I take the picture myself. I’m not such a bad photographer. They’d probably be happy to let me take the picture, and then I can avoid any unnecessary awkwardness. I offered to take the photograph. But the camera owner insisted we could have it on a timer. “We can both be in the picture.”

I subtly expressed hesitation to another office worker. She seemed certain I should be standing in the picture. Why wouldn’t I stand in the picture??

There was no escaping now.  Two people had already declared or assumed that I was going to stand in the picture. The door was way across the room. People were already beginning to stand in rows. Oh why hadn’t I made a clean break for the bathroom when I’d had the chance?!?

And so carefully and with great caution, I stood in the picture. Only then did one of the leaders of the office seem to notice me. My heart sank as I watched the confusion and alarm spread across his face. What was this TEMP doing in the picture?? This would not be tolerated. Anxiety flowed through my veins. I had made the wrong choice.

They took a couple of photos before I was asked to leave the picture. Yes. That’s right…I was actually asked to step out of the picture. I was declared unworthy for the office photograph.

I wish I could say the situation hadn’t bothered me. I mean really, it was a photo, who cares? Awkward situations such as this happen all the time. It’s not like I was planning on framing the picture by my bedside. But the truth is for some reason, I was deeply hurt by the experience. I remember my entire day being changed after that moment, and I couldn’t shake the embarrassment or the feeling of rejection. The fact that I was feeling this way over a stupid office photograph only added to my frustration.

I worked silently at my desk, trying desperately to will the clock to pass through time at accelerated paces. Across the room hung a bulletin board with office photos and a feel-good motivational banner that read “We Are Family!”  The irony pierced through me and ignited under my skin.

I was sick of being a temp. I was sick of being a worthless and lowly individual unfit to be trusted with a REAL job or with REAL work or even with standing in stupid office photographs. I was sick of working for meager pay and without benefits, because I somehow hadn’t managed to get into the “full-time” club. I was sick of  temporary employers telling me how wonderful I am or what great work I’m doing only to avoid eye contact with me and hem and haw when I asked them about being hired on full time. I was sick of feeling the judging eyes of friends and family who fancy themselves skilled at reading people, who conclude through their false and inept discernments that I must just be lazy, or lack the proper intellect, talents, or skills. I was sick of being patronized and treated as an unequal.

I’m smart dammit.

The days and weeks passed without further incidence. In truth, I doubt anyone in the office had even the slightest inkling of my inner turmoil on that particular day. The initial anger and embarrassment subsided, and I was treated pleasantly enough for the remainder of my tenure. The hurt I felt really had absolutely nothing to do with photographs, office luncheons, or even that particular office. But it had everything to do with self worth, and that was really the only thing that mattered.

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Encounters. There’s an interesting word. I’m not talking about those close ones from the 3rd kind. I’m talking about those dreadfully unpleasant ones. The ones you take all precautions to avoid. Those terribly uncomfortable and awkward ones.

I think we’ve all probably got people in life that we’d love nothing more than to NEVER SEE AGAIN. You know who I’m talking about. Right now at this exact moment you have someone in mind. Maybe it’s a bully from the 3rd grade. Maybe it’s that girl who broke your heart after she told you that she loved you. Maybe it’s that pathetic loser ex-boss of yours who fired you and ushered in an era of living out of your car. Maybe it’s that crazy stalker you had in high school who memorized your class schedule and totally followed you into the library that time, forcing you to hide in a crumpled ball behind the non-fiction section. Maybe your nightmares are still haunted by one or all of these experiences. Maybe you should go create a website and write about it. That’s supposed to be therapeutic. Or something.

So what do you do when the unthinkable occurs and you find yourself in that terrible moment when you realize that you are about to cross paths with one of these…”people?” In preparation for such terrifying and gruesome events, and after much contemplation, I have developed this handy dandy list for you, my faithful and loyal readers, so that should the unthinkable happen and one of these encounters should occur, you will be prepared to handle it with the utmost dignity and grace.

• If you should encounter a former bully you might consider the following prepared statement:

“Hey. Remember back in the 3rd grade when you thought you were cool and you used to kick me in the stomach during recess soccer matches? Haha! Yeah! Isn’t it funny now, how you’re a fat tub of lard, and I have solid abs and can bench almost twice my own weight?? SO funny! Maybe you should get a gym membership. Fatty.”

• If you should encounter a former boss or coworker who you loathe or despise:

“Oh hey. How’s that “career” working out for you? Still single huh? Imagine that. Me? Oh I’m doing great. I draw cartoons and have this totally awesome website that’s probably read by like, at least 7 people. Yup. Totally famous now. I’m in the background of  TV commercials. Very reputable companies go out of their way to contact me because they see  how totally awesome I am and know that I deserve to have a better job than you. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m on the Tonight Show within the year. Your breath smells.”

• If you should encounter a former love (or loves):

“I’m sorry. Who are you again? Oh…yes. Now I remember you. Yeah, it IS funny running in to you. Especially since I vowed never to return to your town, you black-hearted incarnation of evil. I’m doing great. I’m going on the Tonight Show. I totally date women hotter than you now. Like all the time. You should probably feel bad about that for some reason. Your husband is a tool, by the way. He reminds me of Ben Affleck. That’s not a good thing. At all. And no, we cannot be Facebook friends.”

• If you should encounter a former stalker:

“I’m sorry? No. You must have me mistaken for someone else. I have no idea who you are talking about. That sounds like someone who is dead though. I’m pretty certain that person is dead. You should forget about them and follow someone else into the library. Anyway, I’m kind of busy. I’m about to go on the Tonight Show. But I think I have a former boss you should meet.”

All grace. All class. All dignity. You might want to go ahead and print out that list. Save it in your wallet or something. That way you’ll be prepared at any given moment. Yeah, we are SO ready for this. Bring on the encounters.

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The above comic strip is full of clever subtext. If you don’t get it, you probably need to go back and read the last several comic strips. You can start at the beginning of this storyline by clicking here.

I don’t go out to dinner very often. In fact, I try to avoid it most of the time. It doesn’t make any sense to me. It all just seems like a big waste of time and money. Think about it. First you have to drive aaaaaaaaaall the way to the restaurant. Then you have to WAIT to be seated. Then you have to WAIT for your order to be taken. WAIT for your food. WAIT for your bill. WAIT for the server to bring you the crayons that you requested when you first sat down. And then when it’s all said and and done you have to drive on home, and what do you have to show for it? A couple hours sucked from your life and an empty wallet. No thanks. Not for me. I’d rather have a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Those things are crazy delicious, they cost barely anything, I can prepare several in mere minutes, and I can eat them in the comfort of my own home while I turn on the baseball game and yell obscenities at Dodger players. Stupid Dodgers.

There are times when I have to go out to dinner though. Usually it’s when I’m out on a date. There’s something to be said for supplying a pretty girl with sustenance for the evening. And in this scenario, the extra waiting time of the restaurant is ideal as it results in less date time that I actually have to plan! Win-win. Bi-winning.

I always find it interesting to see what my date orders from off the menu. I find it a fascinating character study. I really don’t care what she orders, but I like to pretend it tells me something about her personality that I didn’t already know. A burger? All-American girl. A Salad? Fitness buff and/or overly concerned about body image. A peanut butter honey sandwich? My future wife. A giant fried onion? Not interested in making-out with me. At all.

Actually that was one of our little “tests” when I was dating and in high school. I’d take my date to a burger place that had the greatest milkshakes ever. If she ordered a shake that was anything in the mint/peppermint family I figured I had the green light. So many women of my youth tantalized me by the simple order of a mint-chocolate dairy product. Those sultry little vixens. They knew exactly what they were doing. Come to think of it, that’s probably still a good gauge to go by.

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One night several years ago, I went to a hockey game with some friends of mine. While we were there, a blond that knew my friend sat down to visit with us. She had long blond hair and a big set of eyes that kept staring at me as I talked. At first I thought I was really being really suave. In only a few seconds of meeting this girl I already had her hanging on my word and playfully hitting my arm! She started flashing all the signals she could that suggested that she was interested in more than just my knowledge of collegiate ice hockey.

Not long had passed however, before I started to notice some odd behavior from this girl. First of all, she appeared to have the attention span of a gnat. Her eyes flickered around the hockey rink while her head bobbed around doing that thing that dogs do when they think they hear something way off in the distance.

She also seemed to have no sense of continuity. One minute she’s be talking to her friend sitting beside her, and then it mid sentence she’s turn to me and ask me the capitol of Delaware, while simultaneously turning to my friend and asking her where she bought her classy belt. Although, in her defense, it was a pretty sweet belt.

But the thing I remember most, was the way she responded to me. I had never met this girl before in my life. But she would sit there and stare at me like we were long lost lovers. In passing I made some clever remark that I’m sure wasn’t terribly funny. I don’t remember what it was, but I’m sure it was something ridiculously lame.

“Hey, you know why ice is so cold?”

“No, why?”

“Because it’s frozen.”

Whatever I said it was something stupid. But apparently she found it to be the funniest thing she’d ever heard. She erupted in laughter. She placed her hand on my shoulder for flirtatious support as she proceeded to cackle into the night, her bellowing guffaws echoing across the hockey rink. People around us started to look at me. I’m sure they must’ve thought I was the funniest man alive. A comic celebrity in their midst, taking in a night of ice hockey. The blond continued to laugh uncontrollably while she gasped between breaths, “You’re so FUNNY!”

I sat there and looked at this woman as she laughed while keeled over and latched on to my shoulder. I looked around the seating at various people in attendance. I looked at my friend and her classy belt. To this day, I remember the moment and my inner monologue so very clearly. As I looked at the gasping blond before me, struggling for breath because of my hilarity I thought to myself, “Matt…there is no way, you are this funny.”

Turned out I was right. The blond didn’t sit by us for too long. She spent most of the hockey game going from one guy’s shoulder to the next. I smiled when she made it all the way to the opposite side of the rink by the third period. For her, the game was in the stands.

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Hey that’s great. That’s really interesting. I’m so glad to hear that. Listen, I gotta go finish up my workout and get out of here. I need to drink a protein shake before it gets too late. And there’s a ballgame on.

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