Sometimes it’s hard to let go of Christmas.

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Let the Christmas music BEGIN!!!!

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We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to thy Perfect Light

Born a King on Bethlehem’s plain
Gold I bring to crown Him again
King forever, ceasing never
Over us all to reign

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light

Frankincense to offer have I
Incense owns a Deity nigh
Prayer and praising, all men raising
Worship Him, God most high

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light

Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes of life of gathering gloom
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light

Glorious now behold Him arise
King and God and Sacrifice
Alleluia, Alleluia
Earth to heav’n replies

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light

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He knows when you are sleeping.

He knows when you’re awake.

He knows if you’ve been bad or good.

So be good or the thought police will come and get you.

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Merry Christmas everyone!!

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So cold and wintry outside. It’s good cuddling weather though. Just sayin’.

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Merry Christmas everyone!!

~Matt

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Merry Christmas from Raccoon Toons!

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Ok, but really, just think about it for a second. I mean, that’s not natural. There is something seriously wrong with that guy.

What’s really messed up is while all those elves were making toys and all the other reindeer were being jerks and playing reindeer games, Rudolph was clearly in need of SERIOUS MEDICAL ATTENTION, but no one even thinks to call a vet or something. The guy has a freaking RED NOSE. And it GLOWS. Not just a little bit, but enough to see through dense patches of fog!!! Seriously, what is up with that?? How is this even possible??

And no one at the North pole stops and thinks, “Oh hey, you know, most reindeer don’t have flashlights for noses. How did this happen? Something might be wrong around here.”

Then again, maybe they DO think it. Maybe they think it and they’re just scared. That’s it. That’s got to be it. Because everyone knows who’s in charge up there at the North pole. And who stands to gain the most from a reindeer with a fog beacon for a nose? Yeah. That’s right. The fat man himself.

It’s all some sort of twisted science experiment gone horribly horribly wrong! Santa is up there playing god with reindeer and nobody does or says a thing! PETA has no jurisdiction at the North Pole, and everyone else is terrified of ending up on Santa’s naughty list! Rudolph’s just one of the lucky ones. Who knows what other misfit creatures Santa is responsible for up there… A spotted elephant?? A bird that swims instead of flies?! What next Santa?!?! WHAT NEXT?!?!

Also, if you could remember to bring me some new hockey gloves this year that would be awesome. The black and red ones. Size 14″. Thanks buddy.

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Once upon a time, when I was young and stupid and didn’t know any better, I actually wished that I lived someplace where it snowed. I had never seen snow, except of course in cartoons. And the cartoons always made snow seem like sooooo much fun. I envisioned huge enormous snowball fights with huge enormous snow forts that had been carefully designed and fortified to repel enemy invaders. I of course would win these epic battles, because my cause was noble and just.

Having already made up my mind, I would ask my father when we could move someplace where it snowed. My father, who had grown up in a land of cold winters, responded wisely, “you wouldn’t like the snow if you had to live in it.”

What did he mean? How was this possible? It always looked like the most fun ever on television! Television wouldn’t lie to me would it? Television was my friend!

Thankfully, we never moved to where it snowed. Years later I ventured into a strange, distant, and snowy land during my college years.

At first it wasn’t so bad. A little snowfall. Then it melted. No big deal. People kept telling me not to get used to it. The real snowfall would come in time.

Eventually, it did. And I learned just how terrible snow really is.

It was cold. It was wet. It was miserable. This problem was heightened by the fact that

• A.) The warmest thing I actually owned was my leather jacket.
• B.) All my shoes had holes in them so my socks would end up getting soaked from walking across campus.
• C.) Seriously, that stuff is cold.

Quickly I learned exactly what my dad had meant when he told me that I wouldn’t enjoy living in it. Previous to my college years we always left the snow up in the mountains where it belonged. If we wanted to go to where there was snow, we knew where to find it–safely tucked away in the Sierras. But now it was everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

It was outside the door. On the stairs. On the sidewalks. On the car. Driving anywhere wasn’t just a chore, it was a burden. First you had to get all the inches of snow off your car. Then you had to scrape off the ice underneath. Then you had to defog your windshield so you could actually see where you driving. (Sometimes, I just didn’t have patience for this last step. I may have been a little reckless.) And by some strange twist of cruel winter fate, it was always actually colder INSIDE your car then it was outside. Seriously. WHY WAS IT ALWAYS COLDER INSIDE MY CAR?! One should not be able to see one’s breath fogging everywhere inside your car. That’s just not right man. Not right at all.

The road was covered with ice, so who knows if you’d even make it back from Carl’s Jr. alive. You better enjoy that last meal.

I know what you’re going to say. “Oh but Matt, the snow is so pretty!”

FALSE. The snow is pretty for about a day. A DAY. You know what happens after that? It turns gray. It captures all the smog and dirt and filth and pollution that hovers trapped in the mountains and IT TURNS DIRTY AND GRAY. So you can’t play with it, and it doesn’t even look good anymore. The ONE redeeming quality of snow and it doesn’t last. Don’t believe me? Go ahead. Do an image search for “dirty snow.” Here. I’ll even provide the link for you:

LINK TO DIRTY UGLY SNOW

I had to live in that man. -shudders-

Fortunately I don’t have to concern myself with this evil any longer. Here in my homeland of California my leather jacket provides all the warmth I need for our 50-something degree winters. And my trusty car manages to keep me warm without the need of ice scrapers. In fact, it has been several years since I’ve even seen any real snow.

I don’t miss it.

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