Ok, but really, just think about it for a second. I mean, that’s not natural. There is something seriously wrong with that guy.
What’s really messed up is while all those elves were making toys and all the other reindeer were being jerks and playing reindeer games, Rudolph was clearly in need of SERIOUS MEDICAL ATTENTION, but no one even thinks to call a vet or something. The guy has a freaking RED NOSE. And it GLOWS. Not just a little bit, but enough to see through dense patches of fog!!! Seriously, what is up with that?? How is this even possible??
And no one at the North pole stops and thinks, “Oh hey, you know, most reindeer don’t have flashlights for noses. How did this happen? Something might be wrong around here.”
Then again, maybe they DO think it. Maybe they think it and they’re just scared. That’s it. That’s got to be it. Because everyone knows who’s in charge up there at the North pole. And who stands to gain the most from a reindeer with a fog beacon for a nose? Yeah. That’s right. The fat man himself.
It’s all some sort of twisted science experiment gone horribly horribly wrong! Santa is up there playing god with reindeer and nobody does or says a thing! PETA has no jurisdiction at the North Pole, and everyone else is terrified of ending up on Santa’s naughty list! Rudolph’s just one of the lucky ones. Who knows what other misfit creatures Santa is responsible for up there… A spotted elephant?? A bird that swims instead of flies?! What next Santa?!?! WHAT NEXT?!?!
Also, if you could remember to bring me some new hockey gloves this year that would be awesome. The black and red ones. Size 14″. Thanks buddy.
There is such a bird already. It’s called a “penguin”. Of course they actually “fly” underwater and live in the wrong hemisphere from Santa.