Dear Santa,


Hey! How are you doing? I hope all is well up there at the North Pole. I hear it’s cold, so I hope you are taking some well deserved time off to warm yourself by the fire and drink some hot cocoa. I’m sure you’ve been working really hard, you deserve a break.

How is Mrs. Claus? Still making those delicious cupcakes? Best cupcakes in the northern hemisphere! Please send her my love.

I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m writing. I mean, we both already know that I’ve been a VERY good boy this year. I don’t need to tell you that. So I won’t waste your time reminding you of all the good deeds and acts of kindness I performed over the course of 2012, or about all the trouble I DIDN’T get into.

Basically I just thought it might be wise to mention a few ideas about what I might like for Christmas. Y’know…in case you hadn’t gotten to me on your list yet. I’m sure you already have some great ideas of your own, but I thought you might like a little input from me anyway.

1. Another Giants World Series Championship

First of all, thank you, once again, for the championship baseball season. I was still enjoying the 2010 championship you got me and was totally overjoyed when you brought another one for us to play with! I wouldn’t mind if you decided to bring another in 2013…it’s not really a present that I get tired of receiving.

2. A new car (’77 or ’78 Datsun 280z  5 speed – Blue)

It’s not that I don’t like my current make and model…it’s just that there’s kind of a giant hole in the ceiling. I fixed the mirror and the broken window. All by myself! I think my resourcefulness deserves to be rewarded somehow. Maybe you could find a nice Datsun 280z in that magical gift bag of yours. I know it won’t exactly fit into my stocking, but maybe you could leave it outside?

3. A massive adoring fan base who loyally pays my rent every month and actively recruits new adoring fans.

Just to be clear–that’s a massive adoring fan base. Not to be confused with an adoring massive fan base. I feel like that’s an important distinction. But that’s just my preference. I mean, I guess it doesn’t really matter if my adoring fan base is entirely made up of massive people. Just as long as the rent gets paid.

4. A smokin-hot wife

You seem to need constant reminders that I’d like one of these for Christmas, as I have not yet received one. So I thought I’d better remind you one more time since the 25th of December is almost here. It would be really great if a nice, intelligent, classy, brunette were to find herself under my Christmas tree this holiday season. Or she could be in my Christmas stocking (or stockings). Either way, I would really love one of these for Christmas, and I promise to take reeeeaaaaaally good care of her and not break her or anything. I’ll be really careful unwrapping her. Yes please.


Thanks Santa, I really appreciate it. I’ll leave the usual milk and cookies out for you per our usual arrangement. But if you happen to find everything on my list this year, you might just discover that milk to be mixed with chocolate. Just sayin’.

Merry Christmas big guy.