Michael, Wendy, and Matt begin their travels to a favorite summer vacation spot.

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Don’t text while driving. Don’t facebook while driving. And don’t check internet web pages while driving…unless of course it’s cartoon raccoon related…in which case you still shouldn’t internet while driving…but at least you’re looking at a quality website.

The post Texting While Driving appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Sometimes writers ruin things. It happens. I’ve come to expect this. You have a perfectly good tv show, and then one fateful day, the writers decide to stray from the formula. It probably begins innocently enough. A group of writers sit around anxiously discussing how to create a more compelling story for their show, when some young up-and-comer strolls into the meeting one day with his heart all a flutter.

“Hey guys! I have this really great idea for our show! It’s really going to shake things up!”

“Ok. Let’s hear it.”

“Ok. What if….you ready for this?? What if our main character discovers there’s more going on than he realizes??”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…like a CONSPIRACY!!”

“Wow, now there’s an idea!!”

“I know right?!?!”

“Where did you ever come up with such an original and novel idea?!”

“It just came to me!!”

“Just like that??”

“Just like that! I was out to dinner, eating my chimichangas, when all of a sudden…BOOM! Conspiracy!! Of course!!”

“That is genius! You sir, are a genius!!”

A season passes, and once again we find our writers sitting around trying to figure out how to make their story more compelling.

“We really need to make our story more compelling!!”

“But how?? The main character has discovered all of the mysteries of the great conspiracy he’s been fighting against! Where do we go from here?”

All of a sudden, Joey the intern leaps up to his feet with a sudden burst of inspiration.

“WAIT! I HAVE IT!!”

“What?”

“What if…there’s an even BIGGER conspiracy under the conspiracy??”

“A conspiracy UNDER the conspiracy?!?! You mean like….A DOUBLE CONSPIRACY?!”

“Forget double man!! I’m thinking TRIPLE– QUADRUPLE CONSPIRACY!!”

“Whoa. WHOA. This is intense. You are blowing my mind man!!”

“Right?!?!”

“We gotta write this stuff down!”

After the above scenario is repeated over and over and over for about 5 or 6 years, and the writers have successfully destroyed any remaining remnants of what was once a totally awesome and compelling show (I’m looking at YOU “Burn Notice,” “24,” “Alias,” “Prison Break,” “Heroes,” etc, etc, etc.”), the writers will find themselves once again, sitting around their room trying to find a way to make their story more compelling.

“I don’t get it man. We keep adding conspiracies and the ratings are still down! It’s almost as if viewers are tired of trying to follow a never ending web of bad guys, working for bigger bad guys, who work for bigger bad guys, who are actually working for that other guy who turned out to be the biggest bad guy of them all!”

“You forgot about 4 or 5 other bad guys in there.”

“My point is, we need a hook. We need some kind of twist.”

“I have an idea! We could have everything up until this point actually be part of an even bigger and more complex and unimaginable conspiracy!!”

“No. No conspiracies. Not this time.”

“No conspiracies?!?! But–”

“No. We need something new.”

“Something new?”

“We need something that’s never been done before. An original idea that will really knock our viewers socks off! Something so different and so unique and so dramatic no one will ever see it coming! “

“But what?”

“What if….”

“Yes…?”

“What if…..”

“Yes….?”

“What if….the main character’s dad didn’t REALLY die?”

“WHOA! WHOA!”

“What if he’s still alive?!?!”

“Oh man, this is incredible! THIS IS HUGE!”

“What if he’s still alive and he’s somehow involved in the conspiracy?!?!”

“Holy crap!! My mind! My mind is– How do you come up with this stuff?!?!

“I don’t know!!”

“You are a freaking genius man! THIS is why you’re paid the big bucks!”

“I can’t wait to get this to the producers!”

Yeah. Sometimes writers ruin things.

The post The Writers Are Bored appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Once upon a time, as a young teenage lad, I had a driving lesson from a strange man who reminded me of John Travolta. Or fat Elvis. Or both. I was somewhat weirded out by this odd man with his flashy gold chains. Even worse, he made driving a somewhat painful and awkward experience. So I did what any young high school student would do: I wrote about him in the school newspaper.

And so, if you desire to relive teenage history with me, that particular column is in fact published somewhere on this website. You may read it by clicking HERE.

Be gentle with my simple teenage prose. My adolescent writing skills had only come so far.

The post Driving Lesson appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

There are a few rules that everyone should know about carpooling. Since this can sometimes be a contentious debate among carpoolers, I have taken the liberty of clarifying these rules for you, readers and followers of the internet.These rules will hereby be forever known as laws and must be obeyed and followed from this moment on, as I am the internet, and thus, the final word on every issue of debate. The internet has spoken.

Rule 1:

“Shotgun” (or calling the front passenger seat) may only be done prior to the drive, when outside and when the car is within sight. No other times are acceptable. If you lose sight of the car, then your calling of shotgun no longer is valid. Your shotgun reaches its completion when the drive is finished, or when parties step out of the car, at which point shotgun may be called by any party. Don’t argue with me. I am the internet.

Rule 2:

The driver has final control and veto power of the music and/or radio station. His car, his tunes. That being said, anyone who doesn’t allow passenger’s the right to select some music (when not in conflict with baseball broadcasts), is kind of a jerk. Regardless, the rules are clear.

Rule 3:

If it’s not your car, you owe gas money. Gas is over 4 bucks a gallon here in California. If you’re going on a road trip and your friend is driving his car, you’re chipping in for gas. And if you’re not, you’re getting left behind in one of those creepy middle-of-nowhere gas stations with a gas station attendee who never went to high school named Dwyane. Don’t resign to a life of having to ask Dwayne for a key every time you need to urinate – Chip in for gas.

Rule 4:

Girls get the front seat. Don’t be a tool. Open the door and give the girl the front seat. Trust me on this. You’ll thank me later.

Rule 5:

You are not allowed to laugh at your friend’s car. Even if his old ’96 Saturn is missing a window, or if the mirror is held on by Shoe-Goo, or if the sunroof leaks water, or if the passenger side visor keeps falling off, or if his lovable niece put holes in his roof and now the interior ceiling is held together by massive quantities of duct tape, or if the fan belt screeches excruciatingly loud and wakes the entire neighborhood whenever the car is started on really hot or really cold days– even if (and I’m speaking totally hypothetically here) ALL of these things are true, you are not allowed to laugh at your friend’s car. That’s just not cool man. Not cool.

Remember, I am the great and all-powerful internet, and these rules are law. They are for your own good. Now go forth, and carpool.

You’re welcome.

The post Carpool Rules appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

It’s your fault. That’s right. It’s your fault we’re in this mess. Don’t go around blaming the older generation. This falls squarely on you. You are to blame. Rotten teenagers.

It’s your fault we don’t have good movies anymore. And you know why?? Because your attention spans are the length of a gnat. A GNAT I SAY! You can’t sit still long enough to notice that these movies today cannot legitimately suspend one’s disbelief. You can’t sit still long enough to appreciate the artistic integrity of a beautifully composed shot or piece of writing. You can’t sit still long enough to notice the gaping plot holes in this summer’s latest blockbuster. When the movie is over you can’t tell if it was good or not because you HAVE no attention span. All you remember is a few massive explosions, some hot people kissing, and a bunch of  texting that was done during the film to your BFFs or whatever the heck you call them. I can’t be expected to keep up with your crazy texting teengage slang.

And all those movie people know this. They KNOW you have no taste. So they keep rolling out really really crappy movies with really crappy directors who fill their movies with really crappy story lines, horrendous actors, and massive explosions (-cough- I’m looking at YOU Michael Bay…).

But they don’t care. They don’t care because they’ve just set new records at the box office. They just made more money in week than you and I will ever see in our entire lives combined. And they made it because you’re a classless, tasteless, ignoramus. You uncultured and cretinous moron.

But that’s not the worst of it. The worst part of it, you like it. You watch these “movies” and then talk about how AMAZING they are. You go on and on about how much you enjoyed it, how thrilling it was, how great the special effects were, and how it TOTALLY should be nominated for an Oscar or something. “Plus the explosions went ‘KA-POW!!‘”

You cringe at the thought of ever watching a movie from before the 21st century. You won’t watch a movie in “black and white.” It pains my heart. Some of mankind’s most perfect films were filmed this way. Heaven forbid you should ever have to sit through a black and white film and discover the horrible truth that EVERY movie you’ve ever thought was any good was actually ripped off from another movie that did it better long before you were ever born.

But that would never happen. You could never sit down long enough to watch one. You have no attention span. You’d go through all kinds of crappy movie withdrawals. Before you even got halfway through you’d be spinning in circles with a bucket on your head and putting tuna down your pants. You have no idea why. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. You just love those shoes. I had a dog once. Oh look a fly!

And thus, we are left with nothing but really crappy movies.

This is YOUR fault. I’m holding YOU accountable. Thanks a lot American teenagers.

YOU are what’s wrong with everything in today’s world.

The post It’s Your Fault appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Teenagers. What a mess. Seriously. What is wrong with those things?? Seems like they’re always in a heap of depressive overemotionalism. Or they’re brooding silently ready to snap at any moment. And you can never tell which it is. Their over-hormoned manic state could erupt at any moment….and no, I’m not talking about acne.

As a rule though, I give teenagers a free pass. A get out of jail free card. You really can’t judge a teenager too harshly. Much like juvenile records and high school midterms, everything anyone ever does in between the ages of 14-18 should be completely disregarded and forgotten.

What’s that? You crashed the car?? Oh. You were 16. I see.

Hmm? You led the student body into a frenzied riot?! Oh…you were a senior in high school. I get it.

What? You robbed a bank by releasing a heard of hungry goats into the vault while perfecting your Rex Kwon Do on the bank’s manager?!? Actually, that’s just kind of awesome.

All is forgiven. I get it. I was a teenager once. I mean, I wasn’t weird or crazy or anything. I was completely normal. I certainly never got in to trouble. I mean, sure there was that incident with the desk…and that other one with the plastic forks…and that one with the water tower and the bow and arrow….

That was high school. I was a teenager. It doesn’t count.

The post Teenagers appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I have some terrible, terrible news. It’s going to hurt when I tell you. You had better brace yourself. You might want to sit down.

As it turns out, life isn’t always fair. Whoa. Hey now. Don’t get mad at me! Believe me, this came as a shock to me too. As it turns out, life doesn’t always turn out fair, and it isn’t always like the movies. I know how you must feel. I was deceived too. I really thought that at any given moment the 2nd or 3rd acts were going to kick in and I was going to somehow get that lucky break and have success fall right into my lap, while both winning the girl and giving the haters their comeuppance. But somehow, life hasn’t played out like the movies. Maybe it’s because I don’t live in a big city with a strange and impossible, yet somehow sustainable method of earning an income. Maybe it’s because I’m not having NEARLY enough “meet-cutes.” Or maybe it’s because  my odd and/or plucky yet endearing side-kick-friends are not providing enough comic relief. I’m not exactly sure. I need a script doctor.

Regardless, it would appear that the movies have lied to us. The movies are not real life. Such injustice! Great. Now what are we supposed to do?? If this isn’t a movie, than there’s no script for us to follow. And now I’m left without any idea of what’s supposed to happen next. I can’t tell if this is a comedy, or a drama, or romantic chick flick. It’s certainly not an action movie…at least not yet… Maybe aliens will show up tomorrow and then I can go all unassuming hero on them. Yeah. That’s probably it. It must be. We’re just still doing backstory… Now it all makes sense.

-Whew- For a minute there I thought this wasn’t a movie. What a relief.

The post Such Injustice appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I’m going to write more in this space. I promised that I would. And I keep my promises. Let’s see. Where to begin. What’s today’s theme? Driving. Charming. Traffic court.

I got nothing.

Actually I probably got nothing because I’m writing this on my lunch break and I am SO FREAKING HUNGRY. I can’t stop thinking about the little burger shop down the street that sells those giant root beer milkshakes. Mmmmm….milkshakes…

Dah. Ok. Hold it together Taylor. Try not to think about food. Think un-food-like thoughts.

Fire hydrants.

Hydro-atomic gas.

Atomic weight vs. atomic mass.

Mass.

E=MC2

Einstein.

Physics.

Isaac Newton.

Fig Newtons…

AHH! DANG-IT!! I’m going to go get lunch.

The post So Charming appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I finished this comic strip one minute before my self-imposed deadline of 12:29am. But I have a good defense. I’ve been working. A lot. Lots of working. So much working. Look at me go, being all responsible and working so very much and so very hard. And even though I’m so very tired, I stayed up extra late to finish this comic strip. Because that’s the kind of guy I am. So there ya go.

I’ll write something better next week. Promise.

The post What’s Your Defense? appeared first on Raccoon Toons.