Every year I have a huge inner battle between my love of movies and my hatred of pretentious Hollywood. I call this conflict: “The Oscars”.

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I swear I have nightmares like this. Waking up screaming and drenched in a cold sweat nightmares. Nightmares just like this.

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Recently I have been re-watching one of my favorite TV shows from my youth. The show is Lois and Clark: the New Adventures of Superman and it’s still one of the coolest things ever to come out of the 90′s. Shut-up. The 90′s were awesome. They’re still awesome. Leave me alone.

During the time the show was on the air, some significant changes were made to the series. I was curious why some of these changes were made and did a little research. What I found was all too typical.

Between the first and second season, the show runner was fired, because the network was worried about ratings. They let go one of the main actors (who would later star in a movie that I totally worked on) and replaced him with someone young looking, because they were concerned about getting ratings for young teenage girls. Because let’s be honest, the world’s economy revolves around teenage girls.

Immediately following these changes, the show’s ratings dropped dramatically. It wasn’t until the show returned to it’s original format that ratings improved.

The networks were of course, convinced that it was they who in fact had redeemed the show from the ashes. They decided to continue meddling trying to grasp those elusive ratings in the 8pm-9pm time slot.

First there would be a wedding. Then there wouldn’t be a wedding. Then the wedding was on. Then it wasn’t.

Viewers got annoyed. So much so that they started turning off their televisions (the faithful like myself remained).

And THIS people, is what happens when you let non-creative people take control of the creative process.

The network executives couldn’t figure it out. They had crunched so many numbers and appealed to so many demographics!

In the end, none of that mattered though. Because when none of the networks wanted to air the new Wonderful World of Disney reboot, Michael Eisner (CEO of Disney at the time) went out and bought ABC and cancelled Lois and Clark personally so that he could use the 8pm-9pm Sunday night time slot. You know, because network executives know better.

Thanks a lot Eisner. Way to wrap up a series and make the viewers happy.

Thank the heavens we now live in the days of the internet. In which content producers can create and publish directly over the web. Your days are numbered network executives. And your disservice to our favorite shows is at its end.

The post Producer Interference appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

We spend a lot of time talking about and comparing ourselves to others. The people on the movie screen or in the magazines look so much better than we ever could hope to look. But here’s the thing: You see, those people have literally hundreds of people whose JOB it is to make them look amazing. And then there’s a whole bunch of other people who make the light just perfect so as to be most flattering. And they have professional camera people who know how to frame shots and shoot with the right lenses to make everyone look good. And then there’s a bunch of OTHER people who’s job it is to edit the images afterwards and make them look even better than would normally be possible for them.

My point is, no one looks as good as they do on a movie screen or a magazine cover. No one. And everyone can look amazing. Everyone.

The post Good Lighting appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Makeup! I should write something here about makeup.

…

I got nothing.

Sorry. I’ll do better next week.

The post Makeup appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I think our standards for entertainment are plummeting further and further. We can do better people! Let’s raise the bar. We’re not in the 7th grade anymore. Well I mean…I’m not in the 7th grade anymore. I suppose it’s entirely possible that someone reading this might be… You might be in the 7th grade for all I know. If you are that’s fine. I don’t have anything against 7th graders. The 7th grade was actually pretty cool. But you know what I mean. I’m just making a point.

What is my point? Oh yeah. Movies. We can make more intelligent movies. Let’s do that.

The post A Dignified Movie appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

How to become a famous Hollywood celebrity (listed in order of critical importance):

1. Be really, really, really ridiculously good looking.

2. Learn to act. Y’know. If you can. No big thing though. Clearly you can do without that part.

The post Audition appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I’ve complained about this before. Hollywood is out of ideas. And I’m not just talking about Avatar although that is a pretty blatant rip-off from movies that came before.

Actually, you know what? I’m just going to come out and say it. I AM just talking about Avatar. I mean really. You all went ga-ga over that movie with all it’s special effects and fancy computer rendered visual eye candy. You went and nominated it for best picture. Best picture??? Really?? I mean sure it looks pretty, but c’mon! That story is so tired! Honestly, how many times can we rehash it over and over again?! How many times can our protagonists reach across cultural differences to find that which was truly missing from his life?? How many times can we learn that despite our differences we’re all the same on the inside?!?! How many times can our protagonist decide to fight with the native Indian metaphor against the American military metaphor?!?!

And you all love it. You ALL love it. And now the sequels are coming. But you know what? I can already tell you they won’t be any good. You know how I know?

Because the Dances With Wolves sequel still hasn’t been produced, and both Pocahontas II and FernGully 2 both went direct-to-video.

The post That One Movie appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Sometimes writers ruin things. It happens. I’ve come to expect this. You have a perfectly good tv show, and then one fateful day, the writers decide to stray from the formula. It probably begins innocently enough. A group of writers sit around anxiously discussing how to create a more compelling story for their show, when some young up-and-comer strolls into the meeting one day with his heart all a flutter.

“Hey guys! I have this really great idea for our show! It’s really going to shake things up!”

“Ok. Let’s hear it.”

“Ok. What if….you ready for this?? What if our main character discovers there’s more going on than he realizes??”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…like a CONSPIRACY!!”

“Wow, now there’s an idea!!”

“I know right?!?!”

“Where did you ever come up with such an original and novel idea?!”

“It just came to me!!”

“Just like that??”

“Just like that! I was out to dinner, eating my chimichangas, when all of a sudden…BOOM! Conspiracy!! Of course!!”

“That is genius! You sir, are a genius!!”

A season passes, and once again we find our writers sitting around trying to figure out how to make their story more compelling.

“We really need to make our story more compelling!!”

“But how?? The main character has discovered all of the mysteries of the great conspiracy he’s been fighting against! Where do we go from here?”

All of a sudden, Joey the intern leaps up to his feet with a sudden burst of inspiration.

“WAIT! I HAVE IT!!”

“What?”

“What if…there’s an even BIGGER conspiracy under the conspiracy??”

“A conspiracy UNDER the conspiracy?!?! You mean like….A DOUBLE CONSPIRACY?!”

“Forget double man!! I’m thinking TRIPLE– QUADRUPLE CONSPIRACY!!”

“Whoa. WHOA. This is intense. You are blowing my mind man!!”

“Right?!?!”

“We gotta write this stuff down!”

After the above scenario is repeated over and over and over for about 5 or 6 years, and the writers have successfully destroyed any remaining remnants of what was once a totally awesome and compelling show (I’m looking at YOU “Burn Notice,” “24,” “Alias,” “Prison Break,” “Heroes,” etc, etc, etc.”), the writers will find themselves once again, sitting around their room trying to find a way to make their story more compelling.

“I don’t get it man. We keep adding conspiracies and the ratings are still down! It’s almost as if viewers are tired of trying to follow a never ending web of bad guys, working for bigger bad guys, who work for bigger bad guys, who are actually working for that other guy who turned out to be the biggest bad guy of them all!”

“You forgot about 4 or 5 other bad guys in there.”

“My point is, we need a hook. We need some kind of twist.”

“I have an idea! We could have everything up until this point actually be part of an even bigger and more complex and unimaginable conspiracy!!”

“No. No conspiracies. Not this time.”

“No conspiracies?!?! But–”

“No. We need something new.”

“Something new?”

“We need something that’s never been done before. An original idea that will really knock our viewers socks off! Something so different and so unique and so dramatic no one will ever see it coming! “

“But what?”

“What if….”

“Yes…?”

“What if…..”

“Yes….?”

“What if….the main character’s dad didn’t REALLY die?”

“WHOA! WHOA!”

“What if he’s still alive?!?!”

“Oh man, this is incredible! THIS IS HUGE!”

“What if he’s still alive and he’s somehow involved in the conspiracy?!?!”

“Holy crap!! My mind! My mind is– How do you come up with this stuff?!?!

“I don’t know!!”

“You are a freaking genius man! THIS is why you’re paid the big bucks!”

“I can’t wait to get this to the producers!”

Yeah. Sometimes writers ruin things.

The post The Writers Are Bored appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

It’s your fault. That’s right. It’s your fault we’re in this mess. Don’t go around blaming the older generation. This falls squarely on you. You are to blame. Rotten teenagers.

It’s your fault we don’t have good movies anymore. And you know why?? Because your attention spans are the length of a gnat. A GNAT I SAY! You can’t sit still long enough to notice that these movies today cannot legitimately suspend one’s disbelief. You can’t sit still long enough to appreciate the artistic integrity of a beautifully composed shot or piece of writing. You can’t sit still long enough to notice the gaping plot holes in this summer’s latest blockbuster. When the movie is over you can’t tell if it was good or not because you HAVE no attention span. All you remember is a few massive explosions, some hot people kissing, and a bunch of  texting that was done during the film to your BFFs or whatever the heck you call them. I can’t be expected to keep up with your crazy texting teengage slang.

And all those movie people know this. They KNOW you have no taste. So they keep rolling out really really crappy movies with really crappy directors who fill their movies with really crappy story lines, horrendous actors, and massive explosions (-cough- I’m looking at YOU Michael Bay…).

But they don’t care. They don’t care because they’ve just set new records at the box office. They just made more money in week than you and I will ever see in our entire lives combined. And they made it because you’re a classless, tasteless, ignoramus. You uncultured and cretinous moron.

But that’s not the worst of it. The worst part of it, you like it. You watch these “movies” and then talk about how AMAZING they are. You go on and on about how much you enjoyed it, how thrilling it was, how great the special effects were, and how it TOTALLY should be nominated for an Oscar or something. “Plus the explosions went ‘KA-POW!!‘”

You cringe at the thought of ever watching a movie from before the 21st century. You won’t watch a movie in “black and white.” It pains my heart. Some of mankind’s most perfect films were filmed this way. Heaven forbid you should ever have to sit through a black and white film and discover the horrible truth that EVERY movie you’ve ever thought was any good was actually ripped off from another movie that did it better long before you were ever born.

But that would never happen. You could never sit down long enough to watch one. You have no attention span. You’d go through all kinds of crappy movie withdrawals. Before you even got halfway through you’d be spinning in circles with a bucket on your head and putting tuna down your pants. You have no idea why. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. You just love those shoes. I had a dog once. Oh look a fly!

And thus, we are left with nothing but really crappy movies.

This is YOUR fault. I’m holding YOU accountable. Thanks a lot American teenagers.

YOU are what’s wrong with everything in today’s world.

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