Matt auditions for the role of “man.”

The post The Audition appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

This one is dedicated to all you craft loving, scrap booking, Pinterest obsessed, women out there. As men we really don’t appreciate the time and effort that goes into these artsy little projects of yours. We aren’t up to date with the various Martha Stewart-isms. We don’t understand the importance of mastering the various arts and crafts that you’ve seen online and hope to duplicate in all their splendor. No, we simply can’t be bothered to pay much attention to that sort of thing. But we still like your cupcakes. We’ll always eat your cupcakes. So there ya go.

The post Crafty Women appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

It has been well documented that girls only like guys with skills. So it should come as no surprise then, that women prefer a man who can actually take care of himself in some capacity. I suspect this means a steady job or income, the skill of dressing oneself, and the ability to not run in a frenzied panic and hide under the bed every time a bill arrives in the mail. I can’t be certain, but I sense that’s what women today are hoping for.

And then of course, there is the ability to sustain oneself by eating. I’ve taken a lot of flack for this over the years, given the fact that I frequently eat the same things everyday. Things, which given my skill set in the kitchen, require little to no culinary preparation whatsoever. I don’t really see a problem with it. I’m healthy. I never seem to grow tired of the same foods everyday. I get my nutrients. Most of them. Except the green ones. And I save a whole lot of precious cartoon-making time by not wasting hours in the kitchen when I’m hungry NOW. So I really don’t see the problem. I am in fact, happy with my meals.

Women on the other hand think there’s something wrong with me. They feel it’s important to fix me. They notice my extreme bachelorhood and respond in one of two ways. Either they shake their heads in disdain and frustration at the hopeless man-child before them, or… OR! they take it upon themselves to feed this poor hungry soul. That’s right boys and girls, I have unwittingly discovered the secret to having all kinds of delicious meals suddenly making their way onto your dinner plate.

I didn’t plan it this way. It just happened. All of a sudden, people discovered that I only spend $30 a month on groceries and they started bringing me food. And who am I to deny their kindness?? It’s a way better system than food stamps. Trust me.

Alma makes great cookies (when she doesn’t burn them on purpose), but her real strength is in her shredded beef tacos. Sooooooo good.

Rosie makes these amazing fudge bars, but what’s even better than that is her meatballs. No one can eat just 9.

I have mentioned in past posts about the tantalizing and addictive nature of Kaye’s mint brownies. Never was there a more exquisite brownie made. Seriously. You will lose the taste for all other brownies when once the mint bar has grazed your taste buds. And her husband Bob makes the greatest homemade pizzas ever. EVER.

Laura used to make me strawberry pie when we worked together. But the REAL queen of pie is Sharon. Oh. My. Goodness. When Sharon calls and tells me there is a Lemon Meringue pie waiting for me to come and pick it up it’s like five Christmas all rolled into one. When you bite into a slice it’s like magic. Like wonder. Like magic and wonder. Like pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows. Oh Lemon pie. You are so delicious. Mmmmm….

And of course my mother makes the greatest macaroni and cheese known to man, which sounds silly until you’ve tried it, and your mind, body, and soul are completely blown away by the most perfect and desirable food that has been or ever will be created.

So you see, I actually eat pretty well. Now I know what you’re thinking. I’m a reasonably intelligent person. And you’re right, I suppose I COULD sit down and learn how to actually make these foods myself. But it just wouldn’t be the same. It’s just so much nicer when it comes from the kindness of one of my friends. I think their efforts actually make the food better somehow. Maybe that’s why it always tastes better when you make it.

The post Skills and Foods appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Everybody needs a good wingman. Someone to help you get in the door. Someone to help you look cool. Someone to fill in any awkward pauses in conversation, or to distract your date’s friend so you can have a little alone time. As long as there were men there were wingmen. Even before there were airplanes, there were wingmen. Heck, I can think of several great wingmen just off the top of my head:

Mercutio

Chewbacca

KITT

Luigi Mario

Pedro

Cameron Frye

Ron Weasley

Dr. Watson

Scooby-Doo

Barney Rubble

So many admirable wingmen. Well done gents. Well done.

The post Wingman appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Once upon a time, I dated a girl. She was quite attractive, despite the fact that I have since decided she was most assuredly the spawn of Satan.

At the time, men were constantly drooling over her and showering her with compliments of how attractive she was. One day while spending an afternoon together talking, she said something to me that I thought was very telling and which I have remembered to this day.

“I hate it when people tell me I’m pretty.”

Confused, I questioned why on earth she would refuse a compliment such as that.

“It’s just such a stupid compliment. ‘You’re pretty.’ It’s what you tell someone when you can’t think of anything else to say about them.”

As much as I hate to say it, Spawn of Satan had a point. When I looked at it that way, it really was kind of a hollow compliment, especially since it was so often cast about by men who were only interested in outward appearances and physical entanglements.

And yet I couldn’t help but feel like I was also one of those shallow men. Heck, I’m STILL one of those shallow men. Looks matter to me, and I was dating this girl in part, because she WAS pretty. It had been the first thing I noticed about her. It wasn’t the only reason why I liked her (hey, I’m not COMPLETELY shallow), but I couldn’t deny the fact that if she hadn’t been so pretty, chances are I wouldn’t have asked her out in the first place.

And so I resolved that I would try to compliment her on other more profound matters. I would prove to both of us that I didn’t just want her for her looks, and she would see how different and non-shallow I was compared to all the other men chasing her. I resolved not to call her “pretty.”

Oddly enough, she dumped me just a short time later. Girls…they’ll really mess with your head.

The post You’re Pretty appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Self control is important. We all need to have self control. Take your job for example. There you are, sitting at your super enticing desk, with your super enticing paperwork piling up around you. That paperwork can be oh so enticing. I know you’re just DYING to jump right in with reckless abandon and get crazy with all that paperwork. And yet, here you are. You’ve somehow managed to muster up every ounce of self control that you posses to resist doing that paperwork for just a little longer while you do something that’s REALLY important— namely look at raccoon cartoons. I have to say, I’m really impressed. Your self control is truly inspiring. Inspiring to us all.

You know what else is really important and truly inspiring? Entering this year’s “Who Wants to Be In a Comic Strip?” contest! The month is coming closer and closer to its end, which means you only have a limited time left to enter the contest for your chance to be featured in an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip!! Don’t wait a moment longer! Enter the contest today! It’s FREE and it’s SO easy! Just:

1. Like on Facebook, or follow on Twitter, or Subscribe to the RSS feed.

2. Pick out your favorite comic strip or post and share it!

3. Tell me what and how you shared. Did you post it? Tweet it? Email it? I need to know! Leave a comment on the site or on the facebook page, or just send me an email or something. If you don’t tell me, I won’t know to enter your name.

4. Eat a cookie.

That’s it! You’re done! How simple is that?!?! So show a little self control and enter the contest today!!

The post Why Do I Do That?? appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

There’s nothing worse than another guy stealing your girl. If there’s one thing that television and movies have taught us, it’s that everyone hates that guy. Everyone.

It’s happened to me. Obviously the girl couldn’t have been in her right mind (obviously…), but it has happened to me nonetheless. At the time, I was young and somewhat immature, so naturally the fitting solution to this problem was to prank the new guy mercilessly.

There were several ill-advised attempts that worked in varying degrees, but the best one really showed off my skills as a prankster. You see, my newfound enemy had a habit of drinking soda. Dude drank soda like it was going out of style. Naturally, this seemed like an opportune method to deliver a prank that would surely somehow result in his removal as new boyfriend.

After much diabolical scheming, I stumbled upon the answer. Lemon flavored laxative. Oh yes. You read that right. It was time to fight dirty.

You know what happened next… There was much laxative dumped into many giant-sized sodas, I can tell you. I even overheard him mentioning that his colas had been tasting different lately. I have no idea how adversely the laxatives affected him. But in all of my imaginative scenarios, the poor fool was dropping a messy and greasy bowel movement every hour on the hour. And he deserved it. Jerk.

The post Obsessive Ex-Boyfriend appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

The post Broke appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

The post Mirrors appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

The post Manly Man appeared first on Raccoon Toons.