I have no idea how old I am. No idea. Everyone should forget how old they are. It is the most liberating feeling one can imagine…except maybe buying milk in one’s underwears. That would be pretty liberating too.

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My goodness how time flies. Here we are again. Where is the time going?? Where is it flying to?!? What the heck time?!? I thought we were friends…

In years past, I have made my stance on resolutions abundantly clear. Just to refresh your memory, I think they’re dumb. I think this holiday is dumb. And I think you’re all dumb for celebrating it. Stupid, dumb holiday.

But I digress.

Believe it or not, I actually have made some resolutions this year. Yes, I know what you’re thinking; “but Matt, you’re so wonderful, humorous, and attractive! Why would YOU need to make New Years resolutions?!?”

And yes, well, while all of that is most certainly true, turns out there’s still plenty of stuff I need to work on. So without further ado, here is a list of some of my resolutions for 2013:

1. Do more sleeping at regular sleeping hours of the day. Do less sleeping and non-regular sleeping hours of the day.

My body used to have no problems working with it’s own unique sleep schedule. But it seems that’s no longer the case. Time to start waking up with the sun. Like a farmer. Or a rooster. Or a farmer’s rooster.

2. Eat some vegetables.

The key word here being “some.”

3. Go outside.

One of the downsides of working so much from home is I don’t always get as much sun as I would like to, particularly during the winter months. (Yes. We DO have winter months in California.) The sun is good. The sun makes people happy.

4. Read more good stuff. Cut off tv shows that I don’t like anyway.

First of all, I am not one of those people who thinks television is terrible when compared to reading. Good television has good writing, and beautifully crafted narratives. It’s a different medium. And as a former film student, I feel the need to defend it against people who claim that the visual arts of film and video are poor forms of entertainment and therefor a poor substitute for reading. I disagree. But they are different. And while I do limit my television watching only to specific hours of the evening, I am discovering that I am often watching shows I really don’t even like that much, simply on the basis of: “well, I started it, so I guess I should finish it.” Well, no more of that. Pay attention tv writers. I will no longer wade through years of bad television writing just because your first couple episodes were halfway decent.

5. Finish my screenplay.

Yes, I have a half finished screenplay. Yes, it is awesome. Yes, it is going to enable me to finally break the shackles of my meager income and live the high life before buying my own island in the Pacific and retiring to a life of peace, solitude, and island living with my hot little wife who will magically come out of the woodwork as soon as I actually have disposable income. But first I gotta finish that screenplay.

6. Make more animated Raccoon Toons.

That was always the plan, but life has gotten in the way. Let’s use all the extra time from those stupid tv shows I won’t be watching and use that for animated Raccoon Toons goodness. You want them. I want them. Let’s make it happen.

7. Increase the number of visitors to this website.

The site has grown much over the years. There are hundreds and hundreds more readers than there were when we started this ride 10 years ago. But the last year or two has plateaued a little bit in terms of growing that audience. And that isn’t going to help us all achieve a world in which I make cartoons for a living and you get regular comic strips, animated cartoons, and movies as a result. Nope. We must expand. We must build this world together. I’ll keep working on it. You invite your friends.

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I’m not really in denial. I mean, I look in the mirror in the morning and I just don’t see a guy who is…um…near 30 years old. The guy in the mirror looks much younger. Not only that, but he looks like he deserves to have a fancy job with a high paying income and a hot little wife. He looks like he should win the lottery too. Yup. Totally not in denial.

So I’ve decided to do what most people who are…um…near 30 do. I have officially decided to start lying about my age. After all, I can totally get away with it. Most people who meet me for the first time think I’m only 22 anyway. I’d hate to embarrass them by having to explain that I graduated high school in the previous millennium. Really, I’ll be doing them a favor, saving them from all that embarrassment. It’s the right thing to do. I’m such a nice guy.

I will of course have to study up on the younger generation to really pull-off the youngification of myself. Let’s see…what are 22 year olds into these days? Um…let’s see. Reality television. Texting. Texting with poor grammar. Poor grammar in general. The Kardashians… (see what I did there?)

Now that I think about it, this shouldn’t be too hard. I can see myself easily lying about my age and getting away with it for at least another 10 years. The only way I can really see myself getting caught is if I get seriously involved in a baseball discussion. Once I start relaying game statistics from memory from the 1980′s people may start to catch on…

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I know I’m not really dying. Not really. But I’m not going to be 29 much longer. And 29 is significant to me. For me, 29 is really really lucky. Kind of like the lucky underwear that you wear during the playoffs. Yeah, that’s right. I know about your lucky underwear. So I’m a little saddened this year as my birthday looms nearer. Not because I’m entering a new decade that in my still adolescent mind is reserved only for old boring people who don’t play dodge ball, but because my lucky year will be expiring. And it has been a good year. One of the best actually. I finished school. I paid off some debts. My baseball team won the World Series. This website was relaunched. It’s been a pretty rockin’ good year, and I shouldn’t complain. But I’m going to miss being in my 20′s. But that’s ok I suppose…because I fully intend to pretend that I’m still in them. I’m pretty sure that’s part of being in your 30′s.

In case you hadn’t noticed, Raccoon Toons is doing comic strips 5 DAYS a week for this month! So be sure to check back M-F for the next several weeks!

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Every year when my birthday rolls around, I forget. Honestly. I forget my own birthday. It isn’t that I don’t like birthdays. It’s just that at this point my life isn’t quite where I want it to be. There are still a lot of things that I have yet to accomplish. So when my birthday rolls around I can’t help but look at back at yet another year in my lifespan and think about all the things that didn’t get done.

Dang. Now that I read that back to myself, it sounds really depressing. Ok. New deal. When I accomplish all those fancy life goals, when I get the high paying job, the hot little wife, and the 3.2 children with the white picket fence, I will celebrate my birthday. I’ll celebrate it, and I’ll celebrate it big. Maybe even with fireworks. My entire neighborhood will have to join in the festivities because I’ll be launching ridiculously loud and booming fireworks off my white picket fence with my 3.2 children while my hot little wife barbecues large amounts of red meat. It will be an annual party that the entire town looks forward to. And every year when it ends the neighbors will go home to their houses and families and say to each other, “Wow, that guy sure knows how to throw a birthday party! And did you see that picket fence?!?”

Yes, it will be an annual birthday bash of epic proportions. That way I’ll make up for all the nameless birthdays over the years that I forgot.

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A friend of mine once tried to push me to date a girl that I wasn’t really excited about. She insisted that my feelings for this girl might develop over time if I would just “give her a chance.” So I tried. I rationalized. I told myself I wasn’t dating anyone else, so it would benefit me to give this relationship a shot. I tried to convince myself that my interest would grow, and that such developments could occur in the soul of a man.

They didn’t.

There are two camps in the dating world. The first camp is made up of people who only date people who they are really, really excited about dating. They might go for long periods of time without dating because they haven’t found someone that really excites them or captivates their interest. On the other side is the second camp of people who believe in what I call, “dating for the sake of dating.” These people will date anyone and everyone either because they feel as though maybe they can develop an interest over time, or because they find it good “practice.” There’s also actually a third camp that involves 45-year old men living in their parents’ basements, but…that’s a comic strip for another day…

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