Matt, Michael, and Wendy encounter some difficulty making their evening plans.

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It’s up to us.

The post Quarantine Part 2 appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Man, this quarantine is kind of rough.

The post Quarantine Part 1 appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

It’s flu season folks. Let’s stay healthy. For your general well being, I have prepared a handy list of instructions that will help you stay healthy this winter season.

1. Go to sleep. I’m not sure why, but every night around 12:00 am I kind of get tired. It’s so weird. It’s almost as if my mind and body had been up all day and was suddenly in need of sleep at certain late hours of the evening. I’ve learned not to fight it. Apparently sleep helps you stay healthy. This further supports my belief that anyone who wakes up before 8am is INSANE. That’s just not right man. Not right at all. Get some sleep people, the internet told you so. You’re welcome.

2. Eat food. Apparently along with this whole sleeping thing, is an eating food thing. Apparently, our bodies need to consume foods to continue living. I feel like I should have learned this in science class somewhere, but to be fair, I was drawing cartoons most of the time. Anyway, eat food, the internet told you to. Again, you’re welcome.

3. Wash your hands. Please for the love of all that is right in the world, wash your hands. Don’t be the smelly roommate who doesn’t wash his hands after he poops and then goes and eats his Taco Bell that’s been sitting out on the counter for a couple of days. Don’t do it. I know you’re tempted, but please don’t do it. You’ll thank me later. The world will thank me later.

4. Avoid that kid with the drippy runny nose and cough. Sometimes it can’t be avoided, I know. Sometimes you’re quietly minding your own business when all of a sudden they strike in a barrage of snot-nosed eruptions. But this can go a long way in your overall health this season. Do whatever it takes. Don’t let the Johnson kid cough on you. I can’t emphasize this enough. He’ll get you every time.

5. Doctors. My lawyers tell me that I should NOT tell you to skip seeing the doctors. Hey whatever. If you want to go sit in a room full of MORE snot-nosed sick people and sit in a stuffy room for a few hours so a guy in a lab coat can look at you and say “yup…you’re sick…you should probably stay in bed.” then by all means, go right ahead. You’ll be billed accordingly.

Follow these critical steps and you might just manage to stay healthy this winter. If you do get sick you’re likely to end up in bed for a few days. Fortunately for you, there are websites like this to help you pass the time.

Feel better.

The post Swine Flu appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I’m not sick. I’m not sick. I’m not sick.

Scoff at my clever strategy if you must, but everything is going according to plan. You see, the first step is to go about your daily business like nothing is wrong. Inside the germs get all confused.

“Wait…what’s going on?? He should be coughing up a storm and blowing chunks! What’s the deal? Why is he still out and about like nothing is wrong?”

The viri (that’s the plural form of virus by the way) start to argue with each other and point fingers…er…I mean… point hemagglutinins at each other.

“Flem! What’s going on?! This guy should be cursing life and staying in bed! Clearly you aren’t doing your job!”

“What?! Are you kidding?! I’ve been putting in overtime as it is! This guy’s nose should be running like a faucet! Have you talked to Gastro?”

“Gastro!! What’s the problem? Why hasn’t this guy called a doctor?”

“Don’t look at me! You should see the amount of stomach acid over here! I’m lighting fuses all over the place! Everything should be explosive on its way out!”

At this point the germs are all completely beside themselves. They have no idea what’s going on. Their time-tested techniques aren’t producing their desired results. They start second guessing their methods of operation. Panic ensues. Pretty soon they’re swimming around in circles aimlessly.

That’s when my body strikes. My white blood cells attack the confused and bewildered team of invaders, literally annihilating them before they have ANY IDEA of how the carnage fell upon them. Well, I mean…I’m not really sure viruses really have the thinking capacity to have any ideas to begin with…but you understand what I mean. Carnage. Destroyed. Etc.

I practice this method of overcoming illness all the time. And I must say it’s extremely effective. Why, most of the time this strategy can defeat a cold in just 7 days! Impressive right?!?! I TOLD you my plan worked.

It’s genius really. Those viri don’t stand a chance.

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The post 2Weeks With The Flu appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Don’t you just hate it when this happens?? You feel sick. Miserable. Coughing. Aching. Sneezing…and all that other stuff they talk about in the NyQuil commercials. But you’re much too tough to go to the doctor. Who wants to go waste a day at the doctor’s office anyway? You have to make an appointment. You’ll have to tell the receptionist what’s wrong with you.

“Um…yeah…everything’s coming out…bad…”

“Can you be more specific sir?”

“Um…no…”

You know they all start laughing at you the moment they hang up the phone.

Then you arrive and you have to fill out a bunch of paper work. You could have your leg chopped off and they’d look at you and say,

“Please have a seat and fill out this sheet with any changes in your insurance.”

“My leg is missing!”

“Yes sir. I can see that. We have quite a wait here in front of you. Please have a seat.”

You laugh, but I’ve totally had this happen to me. Well…fine…it wasn’t my leg…

Your moment finally arrives and you get to see the doctor. Only, you don’t get to see the doctor. You get to see a nurse first. She’ll ask you to sit on the little bed, then she’ll want to take your blood pressure, look in your ears, and take off your shirt. Hmmm…wait…you know now that I think about it that sounds like a pretty good date…

But just when you think the nurse really likes you she’s gone and there’s some old pompous man with a white coat and a fancy degree. And then, it happens. It always happens. You explain what you’ve been suffering through for the last week at least, but all of a sudden the symptoms seem to have disappeared. It’s like the germs got stage fright or something.  The doctor just nods his head while you try to convince him that you’ve really been sick.

“I was throwing up! There were colors!”

“Mmmhmmm… is that right?”

The patronizing look from the MD is too much for you. You watch in agony as he scribbles something into his little folder no doubt labeling you some kind of hypochondriac. As a last resort, you try desperately to muster up some coughs, a sneeze, ANYTHING! But no…the virus knows exactly how to play this game. It wants you to appear totally and completely healthy as long as the man with the meds is there.

The doctor says you’ll be just fine. And so you leave. And vow never to return. But the germs will get you again one of these days. And as you leave the doctor to his little room and his smug smile you know in your heart that sooner or later you’ll be back. And you know that in a few weeks time, the bill will arrive with the fees for this “consultation.”

Blah. I hate you all. And your little coats too.

If you enjoyed this rant, you’ll love this:

http://www.raccoontoons.com/2weeks.html

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