It’s that time of the year again. It’s time to gather all your useless fruit. It is time to smash it authoritatively.

I recommend starting with a few good oranges. Perhaps you have an orange tree that is overproducing fruit that is deemed inedible. Or perhaps you have some skunky ones growing some mold and hanging out in the vegetable crisper.

Grab a baseball bat or the sporting equipment of your choice (hint: if it’s anything other than a baseball bat you’re making the wrong choice), and take a few good practice swings. Start with the harder fruit, and work your way up to the most moldy. You really want to splatter the squishy ones.

Next grab the jack-o-lanterns that have been aging away on your porch for the past 9 days. Have a friend or loved one pitch to you. Feel the jack-o-lantern explode as your bat meets  pumpkin in a messy and glorious burst of smash-icity. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as watching those pumpkins burst.

Apples, eggplants, and even old bananas can be used as well. Try to maximize both splatter and distance. You’ll find no two fruits splatters look the same way. Kind of like snowflakes, only more beautiful.

You’ll know you’ve done it right when you’re covered in fruit guts. Well done my friend. Well done.

Happy Useless Fruit Smashing Day. May your fruit splatter mighty and triumphantly into the night.