It’s your fault. That’s right. It’s your fault we’re in this mess. Don’t go around blaming the older generation. This falls squarely on you. You are to blame. Rotten teenagers.

It’s your fault we don’t have good movies anymore. And you know why?? Because your attention spans are the length of a gnat. A GNAT I SAY! You can’t sit still long enough to notice that these movies today cannot legitimately suspend one’s disbelief. You can’t sit still long enough to appreciate the artistic integrity of a beautifully composed shot or piece of writing. You can’t sit still long enough to notice the gaping plot holes in this summer’s latest blockbuster. When the movie is over you can’t tell if it was good or not because you HAVE no attention span. All you remember is a few massive explosions, some hot people kissing, and a bunch of  texting that was done during the film to your BFFs or whatever the heck you call them. I can’t be expected to keep up with your crazy texting teengage slang.

And all those movie people know this. They KNOW you have no taste. So they keep rolling out really really crappy movies with really crappy directors who fill their movies with really crappy story lines, horrendous actors, and massive explosions (-cough- I’m looking at YOU Michael Bay…).

But they don’t care. They don’t care because they’ve just set new records at the box office. They just made more money in week than you and I will ever see in our entire lives combined. And they made it because you’re a classless, tasteless, ignoramus. You uncultured and cretinous moron.

But that’s not the worst of it. The worst part of it, you like it. You watch these “movies” and then talk about how AMAZING they are. You go on and on about how much you enjoyed it, how thrilling it was, how great the special effects were, and how it TOTALLY should be nominated for an Oscar or something. “Plus the explosions went ‘KA-POW!!‘”

You cringe at the thought of ever watching a movie from before the 21st century. You won’t watch a movie in “black and white.” It pains my heart. Some of mankind’s most perfect films were filmed this way. Heaven forbid you should ever have to sit through a black and white film and discover the horrible truth that EVERY movie you’ve ever thought was any good was actually ripped off from another movie that did it better long before you were ever born.

But that would never happen. You could never sit down long enough to watch one. You have no attention span. You’d go through all kinds of crappy movie withdrawals. Before you even got halfway through you’d be spinning in circles with a bucket on your head and putting tuna down your pants. You have no idea why. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. You just love those shoes. I had a dog once. Oh look a fly!

And thus, we are left with nothing but really crappy movies.

This is YOUR fault. I’m holding YOU accountable. Thanks a lot American teenagers.

YOU are what’s wrong with everything in today’s world.

The post It’s Your Fault appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Here at Raccoon Toons, Matt Cain is our favorite baseball player. It’s not just because of his incredible pitching. It’s not just because of his presence on the mound in a baseball game. It’s not just because of his amazing consistency in excellence. And it’s not because he leads my fantasy baseball teams to victory virtually every season. It’s because he’s Matt Cain.

Let me tell you a little story about Matt Cain, from my personal experience.

Once upon a time, I was fortunate enough to take part in a Giants TV commercial. It was a truly amazing experience which included reenacting a World Series victory celebration with some of my favorite Giants players. I had the time of my life. Among the players that were appearing in these commercials, was none other than everyone’s favorite pitcher: Matt Cain.

I say everyone’s favorite pitcher, because Matt Cain really is everyone’s favorite pitcher. This was made clearly evident by the awestruck looks of admiration he received from so many of the people on set that day. Of course, if you asked Matt Cain about it, he’d probably say he didn’t notice, because not only can the man shoot laser beams out of his eyes and save small children from evil with a single bound, but he is also ridiculously humble.

So the shoot seemed to go well enough. A lot of the players had places they needed to be, and as soon as they were no longer needed they changed and left. Matt Cain however, stayed until the very last shot was taken. That shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows how often Cain pitches late into games, but still I found it to be impressive. But that’s still not what impressed me the most.

While on set that day, there was an actor who played a role in one of the commercials. This particular actor was, for lack of a better phrase, “socially awkward.” In fact, that may be putting it a little too mildly. Clearly this guy was completely unaware of how uncomfortable he made others, and how annoying he could be. When his part of the shoot was over, and he was dismissed, he didn’t leave. Instead, he walked around trying to talk to any baseball player who would give him the time of day. He was like a terribly awkward hunter stalking his prey. When several of the players deftly retreated from his advances, he finally left the building, only to return an hour later to continue his exploits. That was when he found Matt Cain.

Cain had just finished shooting a sequence and he was in one of the glass office rooms being used as a makeshift dressing rooms. These rooms were supposed to be off limits to anyone but the player and perhaps the girls working wardrobe for the shoot. I watched nervously as socially awkward actor man walked straight into the dressing room and began conversing with Cain like they were old friends.

The conversation was painful and embarrassing. This guy started talking about anything he could–work, commercials, even his awkward personal life. I was terribly uncomfortable. Most of us who were acting on the set that day had been told to give the players their space. And yet, this guy had bombarded into Matt Cain’s dressing room and was bearing his soul to him, while poor Matt Cain was literally in the middle of changing his clothes!

The minutes past, and he did not leave. 5 minutes turned to 10. And 10 minutes quickly turned to 15. Desperately I felt like I should do something. I was just a lowly extra. Where was the girl who’s JOB it was to act as a buffer and protect the players from scenarios such as this?! Matt Cain must be going out of his mind listening to this crazy guy! Surely he would say or do something to remove himself from this nut-job!

And that is when Matt Cain impressed me most. Because Matt Cain did not get up and leave the terribly one-sided conversation. Matt Cain did not tell the guy he was busy and to leave him alone.

Matt Cain listened.

He listened while he was literally changing his clothes. He conversed. He made eye contact. He seemed perfectly content to listen to this man go on, and on, and ON, about things that were making ME terribly uncomfortable. And not once did Matt Cain seem the least bit annoyed or perturbed.

FINALLY after what seemed like an eternity, someone from the production team came and let the man know that Cain was needed. When socially awkward man finally left, I waited for Cain’s reaction. I waited to see the smirk, or the eye roll, or the exasperated sigh from enduring such a socially painful ordeal.

There was none.

Matt Cain taught me an important lesson that day. Where I had looked down on and judged one of my fellow men to be annoying and pathetic , Matt Cain– celebrity, All-Star pitcher, World Series winner– was polite, courteous, and treated this man with absolute kindness and respect. It would have been so easy for a man of Cain’s success and stature to lift himself up and judge this man to not be worth his time. He could have easily disengaged from the conversation, and shown all the visible signs of discomfort. He could have laughed at the man once he left, or even just commented on the awkwardness of the situation. But he didn’t. And never was there even the slightest hint of pride or annoyance. There a midst the terribly prickly encounters, Matt Cain carried himself exactly has he carries himself on the pitcher’s mound. Calm, unflappable, and humble.

So today, we celebrate Matt Cain’s perfect game–one of the rarest, loftiest, most glorious and prestigious accomplishments that a player can ever obtain. So rare that it has only been accomplished 22 times in the history of the sport of baseball.

Congratulations Matt. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

The post Matt Cain appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

So what exactly IS cool?? And who or what dictates these things? Is there a committee that sits around a large table and one day decides to vote on making Justin Bieber and the Kardashians cool?? And if so, how did these people ever obtain such a lofty position of power? More importantly, how can we impeach them for their crimes against coolness?

Case in point: Disco. Platform shoes. The 70′s. Need I say more? Those in power have continuously led us astray on the path to coolness. They must be held accountable for their mistakes, even if those mistakes amount to an entire decade of really baaaaaaad decisions. The time for change has come. The time for change is now.

I propose a new plan of coolness. First of all, the cool voting age will be increased by 5 years. I’m looking at you preteens. No more teenyboppers and vampire stories. It’s your fault we’re in this mess. We must stop this trend now before it’s too late. Remember: Raise the age to break the phase.

Second: In order for something to be cool, it can’t be dumb. I know this sounds like a no-brainer, but clearly I have to write this into the coolness bylaws. Stupid celebrities are not cool. Reality dating on Television, is not cool. Childish bathroom humor spewed all over the reboot of your favorite childhood cartoon franchise is NOT cool. So, to recap: stupid things are not cool. Remember Mr. T’s infamous words of advice: Don’t be a fool. Stay in school.

Finally: Guys who draw cartoons and have their own websites will always and forever be cool. They might even be in their own super-class of cool. I know that might seem a little less obvious than the previous two bylaws, but it’s what’s needed to make our country great. Trust me.

I hope we can count on your support this November. It’s time to take back what’s ours. It’s time to take back our coolness.

The post What Is Cool? appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Happy 2012! It’s time once again for our “Who Wants to Be in a Comic Strip?” contest!! Are YOU ready to be internet-famous?!?!

All month long Raccoon Toons will be updated FIVE days a week!! Let me reiterate that again for literary emphasis. All month long Raccoon Toons will be updated FIVE DAYS A WEEK! That is a ridiculous amount of comic strips for YOU, all my favorite people! This is how much I love you. How sweet is that?!?

During this month-long span of comicky goodness, you have the opportunity to enter our “Who Wants to Be In a Comic Strip?” contest!! The winner will be featured in a future Raccoon Toons comic strip thus becoming the envy of all their friends!! To enter the contest, follow the super easy steps below:

1. You must subscribe to or follow Raccoon Toons in some capacity. You can do so by “liking” us on facebook, by following us on Twitter, or (for people who aren’t social) by subscribing to the website through RSS feeds or email. Pick one or all. I’ve made it really easy for you. The Facebook and Twitter buttons are to the right of this post, and the RSS/email button is right under the comic strip with the words “subscribe.” Do it. Do it now.

2. Now comes the fun part. You must share your FAVORITE post with the world. It can be your favorite comic strip, or a favorite blog post, or even one of the animated cartoons or movies. Doesn’t matter. But it needs to be your favorite. So dig through the archives and find something that means more to you than all of the other internet cartoons combined, and share your undying love and devotion for that particular post with the world. Ok, that sounds a little creepy now that I re-read that. Just pick your favorite, and share it, tweet it, email it, etc. You can share more than one. It’s ok. Honest. Go crazy.

3. Once you have shared your favorite you need to LET ME KNOW. This step is critical. Leave a comment somewhere on the site or in Facebook-land telling me what you shared. Send me an email. Send me a postcard. Whatever. Just tell me. I cannot enter your name in the contest if you don’t tell me what you shared and how.

4. You can alternatively enter the contest by instead making a donation to the website. I totally accept money. Yup. Go for it.

5. Eat a cookie. I thought about changing this rule from last year and swapping out the cookie for something else, but cookies are just really awesome, and there are so many different varieties! So go eat a cookie. Seriously. You deserve it.

That’s it! So easy! The winner will be chosen at random and will be drawn into a future comic strip! To sweeten the pot this year, the winner will also receive a signed print of their favorite comic strip! YES!! So choose wisely!!

So get started!! You have until Feb. 1st!! Good luck to all of you!!

The post Comic Strip Contest 2012 appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I may or may not be madly in love with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Alright fine. We both know I’m not fooling anyone. All those old T-Mobile pamphlets around my room are a dead giveaway. I am madly in love with Catherine Zeta-Jones. But seriously, can you blame me?? I mean, have you SEEN Entrapment?? Good grief! If all Welsh women look like that I should seriously consider moving to Wales.

I will say that The Terminal wasn’t my favorite. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t something to write home about either. I thought the idea was clever though; a story about a guy who literally lives in an airport. Speaking of which, I totally got lost in an airport not too long ago. I dropped someone off at the gate, and then when I tried to walk back to my car, I literally walked for 20 minutes, and then somehow found myself, at the exact same gate as when I started. I laughed. Apparently I should have brought my GPS with me.

OK. One more time.

The post The Terminal appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Yes! YOU have a chance to be featured in an actual Raccoon Toons comic strip! I’m totally serious! One of you will be drawn into and featured in a comic strip! How cool is that?! Just follow these handy dandy instructions and you’ll be well on your way to bragging rights and internet stardom!

1. If you’re on facebook, be a REAL fan and “like” us on facebook. You can go to the fan page by clicking this link or by hitting the “facebook” button to the right of this post. Don’t be misled by the title of our fan page. It’s still using the old name of the website (www.mattandmichael.com) because facebook is lame and won’t let me change it. Believe me. I’ve tried. It annoys me to no end. And I’ve let them know about it. Repeatedly.

Not a facebook user? There’s also a Twitter button and a YouTube button to the right of this post as well. We like to cover our bases.

2. This is the important part. You need to share your favorite comic strip post with your friends. Doesn’t matter how. You can broadcast it into facebook land, do some tweetage, email it to a friend, or sit your grandmother down in front of the “kuhm-pyoo-ter” and show it to her yourself. But it HAS to be your favorite. I don’t want you to just choose the latest comic strip on the page. Look through the archives. Go way back if you have to. Find your favorite. Something that speaks to your soul. Share it with people you really care about. Boom. That’s it. Easy.

3. Once you have shared your favorite (or favorites) with your friends (I assume you have more than one friend because my readers are all smart, fun, good-looking, and delightful people), let me know how you shared it. Leave a comment on the website, or on the facebook fan page, or send me an email. I don’t care how you let me know, but I can’t enter your name into the drawing if you don’t let me know. So let me know.

4. For those of you who have some strange internet form of Social Anxiety Disorder and can’t fathom the idea of sharing something with some of your friends, you can also be entered into this promotion by making a donation to the website.

5. Eat a cookie. This part is non-negotiable. Seriously. Eat a cookie. You deserve it.

That’s it! That’s all there is to it! You have until the end of January. After that, I will choose a name at random and this person WILL be drawn and featured in an upcoming Raccoon Toons comic strip. What! Good luck to you all. We’re all counting on you.

The post Want To Be In A Comic Strip? appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Every year when my birthday rolls around, I forget. Honestly. I forget my own birthday. It isn’t that I don’t like birthdays. It’s just that at this point my life isn’t quite where I want it to be. There are still a lot of things that I have yet to accomplish. So when my birthday rolls around I can’t help but look at back at yet another year in my lifespan and think about all the things that didn’t get done.

Dang. Now that I read that back to myself, it sounds really depressing. Ok. New deal. When I accomplish all those fancy life goals, when I get the high paying job, the hot little wife, and the 3.2 children with the white picket fence, I will celebrate my birthday. I’ll celebrate it, and I’ll celebrate it big. Maybe even with fireworks. My entire neighborhood will have to join in the festivities because I’ll be launching ridiculously loud and booming fireworks off my white picket fence with my 3.2 children while my hot little wife barbecues large amounts of red meat. It will be an annual party that the entire town looks forward to. And every year when it ends the neighbors will go home to their houses and families and say to each other, “Wow, that guy sure knows how to throw a birthday party! And did you see that picket fence?!?”

Yes, it will be an annual birthday bash of epic proportions. That way I’ll make up for all the nameless birthdays over the years that I forgot.

The post I’m Old appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

So I never really watched much wrestling as a kid. But I do have this one memory. I was probably about nine, and was invited to stay over at a friend’s house. For our enjoyment, he had rented a video (yes, that’s right, a VHS cassette tape…I am that old) of WWF wrestling Thanksgiving Smack Down (it was called WWF back then before that wild life group threw a hissy-fit). I’m not really sure if it was a “Smack Down” but I do remember that it was Thanksgiving themed, and that it was a rumble of sorts. This was my first exposure to wrestling. I had never seen it before, but my friend was way into it. He couldn’t wait to show me the “Undertaker” and the “Ultimate Warrior.” We turned it on and I fully expected that I would not be interested in it. (Alright, I admit it…I was a sensitive kid…)

But then I saw him, all dressed in yellow. He was so good! So positive! He told me to take my vitamins and say my prayers! He was a hero! He was HULK HOGAN. I watched in amazement as he came back from behind to defeat wrestler after wrestler, until finally he emerged victorious! He had come back from such a deficit! It was amazing! Now here’s a guy I could look up to! Thwarting bad guy after bad guy all in the name of good! I have to admit I really enjoyed the wrestling Smack Down (or was it a “Royal Rumble?”) I enjoyed it enough that I didn’t object when my friend suggested we watch it over again.

Since that day, I haven’t really watched any wrestling. I know that the man who brought “Hulkamania” to life has had his share of problems and poor decisions. But I still hold dear the thought of our heroic wrestler from the 80s. Maybe it’s just my nostalgia for the 80′s, or maybe it’s just my fondness for a more innocent time (it certainly isn’t the spandex), but I look back on that time and wonder if we all wouldn’t be a little better off with just a little more innocence in us…a little more good…a little more Hulkamania.

The post Hulkamania appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Gotta love that Tonya Harding.

The post Figure Skating appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

It should be.

My life would be SO much easier if making cartoons was a viable income at this point in my life. As such, it is not. It pays for gas, and dinner every now and again, but that’s about it. Add that to the cost of living in CA, and well…you get the idea.

The cartoonist profession is evolving dramatically. The failing of the newspaper industry is completely changing the landscape. Artists are forgetting all about the syndicates (who by the way, take a whopping 50% of a cartoonist’s profits), and venturing out into the world on their own. I see it as a great thing, and a not so great thing. On the one hand, the expression is more pure. The artist is his own boss. And the internet makes it possible for him to say whatever he deems fit (that can be great, and terrible all at the same time…). But then, artists and us creative people are not usually the best at promotion and marketing, and finding work, and all that jazz. We just like cartoons.

Anyway, somewhere in there is a gloriously happy medium where people like me can be creative and have a decent job. If you should happen to stumble across one of those…I’m pretty sure I put an email button on this site somewhere…oh yes…there it is…just a little ways above the “donate” button… -cough-

The post Making Comics appeared first on Raccoon Toons.