I’m not sick. I’m not sick. I’m not sick.

Scoff at my clever strategy if you must, but everything is going according to plan. You see, the first step is to go about your daily business like nothing is wrong. Inside the germs get all confused.

“Wait…what’s going on?? He should be coughing up a storm and blowing chunks! What’s the deal? Why is he still out and about like nothing is wrong?”

The viri (that’s the plural form of virus by the way) start to argue with each other and point fingers…er…I mean… point hemagglutinins at each other.

“Flem! What’s going on?! This guy should be cursing life and staying in bed! Clearly you aren’t doing your job!”

“What?! Are you kidding?! I’ve been putting in overtime as it is! This guy’s nose should be running like a faucet! Have you talked to Gastro?”

“Gastro!! What’s the problem? Why hasn’t this guy called a doctor?”

“Don’t look at me! You should see the amount of stomach acid over here! I’m lighting fuses all over the place! Everything should be explosive on its way out!”

At this point the germs are all completely beside themselves. They have no idea what’s going on. Their time-tested techniques aren’t producing their desired results. They start second guessing their methods of operation. Panic ensues. Pretty soon they’re swimming around in circles aimlessly.

That’s when my body strikes. My white blood cells attack the confused and bewildered team of invaders, literally annihilating them before they have ANY IDEA of how the carnage fell upon them. Well, I mean…I’m not really sure viruses really have the thinking capacity to have any ideas to begin with…but you understand what I mean. Carnage. Destroyed. Etc.

I practice this method of overcoming illness all the time. And I must say it’s extremely effective. Why, most of the time this strategy can defeat a cold in just 7 days! Impressive right?!?! I TOLD you my plan worked.

It’s genius really. Those viri don’t stand a chance.

The post I’m Not Sick appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

“I’m going in.”

I’m pretty sure these words are always a prelude to being awesome. Just saying them aloud makes you want to go kick some mass and take some names. It makes you want to complete the most daredevil of schemes and the most risky of operations. They turn you into the biggest, baddest, super-spy/action hero ever. Go ahead. Say the words. Give it a try. I’ll wait.

…

See?!?! Now you’re all freaking awesome!!

It kinda reminds me of elementary school and playing Capture the Flag. Because Capture the Flag is no joke man. That’s some serious hardcore stuff. It’s a war zone man. A WAR ZONE.

When I was young and we played capture the flag I was always one of those kids who stayed in his own territory. Y’know, ’cause I wasn’t one to make war. You stay in your country and I’ll stay in mine and we’ll all be cool. No worries man. Take it easy now, we don’t want any trouble. Relax.

But no one ever wants peace in Capture the Flag. Maybe we’re just not a society ready to live without bloodshed. Before you know it, kids from all over the field would cross our borders and start INVADING my country!! They’d try to desecrate our flag and claim our country for their own! Those little Hitlers were relentless! They had to be stopped.

And so being the peacekeeping young soul that I was, it was my job to defend the right. I was somewhat fast as a youth, and I took down many invaders seeking to thwart our country’s noble ambitions of peace. Our jail became full. So many prisoners of war…

Rarely did I seek to thwart the coming invaders by stealing their flag myself.  Seldom did I ever even cross the border into enemy territory. Because I was a good kid. A kind kid. Occasionally, as a last resource in the name of peace I would have no other choice and yes–it would have to be done. But I had seen too many fall for such madness. Too much bloodshed. Too much mindless aggression. I didn’t seek to make their country my own. I had no desire for world domination or tyrannical rule. [At least not then.] I simply wanted to live out my P.E. time in peace. So I only defended my home from enemy invaders. Those crazy Nazi terrorists… When will you people learn that war is not a game?! IT’S NOT A GAME!!!!

But as the war grew on, my brothers and sisters in arms would fall. Our numbers on both sides would be depleted. Our jails full with the scattered bodies of casualties of war.

Only then would I even consider to cross into enemy lands, and usually only on a mission to save my fallen brethren. Operation: Jailbreak, as it came to be known, was among my specialties.

Carefully I’d wait for the opportune moment. Studying my opponents. I only have one shot at this, I would tell myself. One life to give, for the sake of my country. There could be no mistake. My mission was too great. I had to succeed. It had to be perfect. And when the moment came, I’d be ready. And I would strike.

“I’m going in.”

I’d take off like a whirlwind, my enemies suddenly taken by surprise that this seemingly peaceful citizen of the West would ever even consider an attack on their soils. They were never ready for my cunning strike. My sudden burst of speed and aggression. I’d fly through their lands, weaving and dodging until I reached the deepest depths of enemy territory. Carefully I’d avoid the clutches of the sinister jail guard, until finally reaching my captive comrades and freeing them from the satanic prisoner camps of evil.

A cheer would erupt from our lands. With jubilation and great valor we would all return safely as war heroes. Citizens of a free and noble country.

Such was my cause. In the name of peace.

The post “I’m Going In” appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Be sure to watch the new animated cartoon “Michelo the Bandit” posted today in the “toons” section! It’s good stuff!!

The post Torture appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

New animated cartoon coming real soon! Check for it in the “Toons” section.

The post This Means War appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

This has nothing to do with today’s comic strip, but I am SO unbelievably happy that the National League finally beat those American League DH-swinging pansies. I am not going to turn this into a rant about how absolutely WRONG the designated hitter rule is. I am not going to write an endless barrage of well constructed arguments to the convincing of even to the most casual baseball observer as to how morally corrupt the DH is. I am not going to spend days of research and cite my findings with a properly annotated bibliography in MLA or APA format. I am not going to do these things here, because you come here to read comic strips-not to be formerly educated on an adulterous rule that is causing the disintegration of the very fabric of our society. I am not going to do that here. I could, but I won’t.

The post Water Fight appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

02/18/2004 – I wish I had something exciting to say…but I don’t. Oh well.

The post Typical appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

02/04/2004 – New strip! Be sure to vote! If you read in the Statesman, be sure to fill out the funny page survey when it appears in the next few days!

The post ‘Tis a Far, Far Better Thing… appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

02/01/2004 – Sorry it’s been a couple weeks. I kind of took a vacation while I waited for the newspaper to catch up. Now I’m a couple weeks ahead of them, and I intend to keep it that way, so I would expect about three new strips every week for the next little while. Mmmmm…plottage… Guess what?! Today’s strip is strip #50!! How cool is that?! Who knew we would’ve made it this far? I’m shooting for #100 to arrive sometime in July-August.

The post That Guy Looks Like My Uncle Larry…or Mario… appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

01/07/2004 – Whoo-hoo! Yesterday was the coolest day ever! Aside from it being my birthday (which I totally almost forgot except everyone was so nice to remind me), “Matt & Michael” began it’s run in the Utah State University paper, The Utah Statesman, I received a very cool “Kim Possible” toy for my birthday, got to talk with some very beautiful girls, continued my James Bond marathon, met a prospective new band with which to play, and had a really good roast beef sandwich for lunch. The sandwich in itself is reason enough to label it as a really good day, and when you add all that other stuff in there, you have the makings of a day to remember. Happy Birthday to me I guess, here’s to the big 2-3.

The post Excellent… appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

01/04/2004 – This one was a lot of fun to make. I could apologize to all our democrat readers, but I wouldn’t mean it… It was either Democrats or hippies, and after conducting various surveys and performing loads of scientific research, the results at this juncture were inconclusive. In the end, I decided to make fun of democrats, because I just kind of like to make fun of democrats. Not because I disagree with them, just because they get so riled up when you poke a little fun at them.

Still working on the calendar, really hoping I get it done soon. Expect another strip in a couple of days.

The post Democrats appeared first on Raccoon Toons.