Ok. It’s true. I admit it. I AM trying to take over the world.
We’re getting there. Slowly but surely. One cartoon at a time I’m carefully gaining territory, until finally that fateful and glorious day will arrive and I will rule mightily from my cartoon-raccoon empire. HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!
But don’t worry. I will be a kind and just ruler. I will rule over you all with dignity and grace. You will find yourselves wondering why you didn’t all elect me to be your supreme ruler eons ago. And I will make the world so much better with my policies.
Here’s just a few:
- We won’t need to pay so many taxes because you won’t have to pay so many high government salaries. Just mine. And mine is pretty reasonable compared to the sums of all those politicians. Just sayin’.
- I will save the Twinkies. But you are only allowed to buy them if you walk to the store. Fair and just.
- Veronica Mars will be immediately brought back to regular television. I’m also going to bring back Firefly, The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin, Chuck, and while we’re at it, Lois and Clark, The New Adventures of Superman. Two and a Half Men will be immediately cancelled. Because we’re better than that. We’re all better than that.
- I will expedite the completion and mass production of driver-less vehicles.
- I will outlaw the usage of “LOL.”
- Minors will only be allowed internet access via 56 Kbps dial up modem. Because quite frankly, we’re all tried of the stupid overly dramatic teenage crud you post online all the time.
- Michael Bay will be exiled to a remote island off the coast of Greenland. For he must pay for his sins.
- No more reality TV. Ever.
- I will protect the Guam Kingfisher.
- Raw milk will once again be available at every corner grocery store.
- Finally, I will abolish the biannual changing of the clocks. Daylight savings time will be the new standard time all year long baby. That’s the way I roll.
You, my loyal and trusted peasants, will all learn to love me as I rule over you with wisdom and cartoon goodness. I will usher in a brand new era of peace, longevity, and quality television. You’re welcome. Long live Matt, supreme ruler.