Today we close the chapter on “Toasted” and Agent W’s exciting adventure. It was fun to do something a little different here with the comics than my standard format and I appreciate all my readers for indulging me as I tried something new and experimented a little with the comic strip. I hope you enjoyed seeing Raccoon Toons in a slightly different way. And if you did maybe we’ll see more of Agent W, Dr. Maybe, and Goldenpaw sometime in the future.

While today is the end of the massive March updates, you still have until the end of the 31st of this month to enter our contest for a chance to be drawn into a future comic strip. The winner will be randomly selected and announced shortly thereafter in April. Good luck! And thank you for reading!

~M

The post Mission Accomplished appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Have you entered our contest yet?? Winner gets to be drawn into a future Raccoon Toons comic strip!! Make sure you follow ALL of the rules below and do it THIS month. (If you did it in Feb. it doesn’t count.) Good luck to all of you!!!

1. Like us (if you’re a facebook person). Or follow us on your favorite social media platform. Or subscribe to the site by RSS or email. If you’ve already done that, great. Now you get to go to step 2.

2. Share your favorite comic strip or post with your friends! Post it! You must do this during THIS month (March 2013). If you did it last month or last year it doesn’t count. Gotta be this month.

3. Tell me. Seriously. If you don’t leave a comment or email specifically telling me that you have entered the contest, you will not be entered. Also must be done this month.

4. Eat a cookie. You know the rules. There’s no getting past it.

So there you have it! Once you have accomplished ALL of these 4 steps during this month you will be entered into our contest for a chance to be cartoon-ified!

And once you’re cartoon-ified, I have you right where I want you.

The post Right Where I Want You appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Once upon a time, in a land called high school, I was a young and defiant senior. Yes. I know. Anyone who has actually taken the time to read my writings here on the website is already well aware of many of the antics of my youth. So my statement of being a defiant teenager probably comes as no surprise.

It was senior year of high school. Obviously since I believed I was the teenage incarnate of both Parker Lewis and Ferris Bueller combined, I felt somewhat obligated to create a legacy of sorts and perform various acts of prank-dom.

There were multiple plans and operations. Some were achieved with great success. Others were…less than successful and resulted in trips to the dean’s office and meetings with my arch nemesis: the assistant principal.

But this prank was different. It was my pride and joy. I had literally been planning it for three years. And now, after all that time, the moment had finally arrived: It was time to walk graduation.

Let me first state here, that I kind of think the whole thing is rather meaningless. I mean, here you are, FINALLY ready to be released from soooo many years of school, and they just have to have you for one more day. It’s just one more day of time and money that school wants to suck from your life. They can’t just finally set you free into the world. They have to parade you around and dress you up like a doll first. Because that’s what school does to you man.

First they charge you a bunch of money for the cap and gown. I mean really. C’mon. Who do you think you’re fooling?It’s nothing more than an overpriced garbage bag and a flimsy hat made of cardboard and you’re charging me HOW much for it? For a silly little outfit that I will only wear once for a few hours in my entire life?? And then I’m just going to throw the hat up in the air and lose it anyway??

Robbery. Straight up robbery.

Then they drag you all out there and make you practice walking a bunch of times, before doing it for reals in front of all your friends and family. Ok…let me just state the obvious here. I’ve been walking since I was 2 years old. Pretty sure I got that one down. I’m ready to learn something new now. If you feel like you have to drag a bunch of young adults out into the hot sun to teach them how to walk back and forth repeatedly, then something is drastically wrong with our education system. Just sayin’.

The day finally arrives and you get to waltz around in your fancy clothes which ironically–no one actually sees because you’ve put a garbage over them– and then you get to sit forever and listen to some of your peers try desperately to sound deep and profound as they speak to the great gathered multitude. I’m sorry, but no 18 year old kid is that deep and profound. I don’t care how smart you think you are, you’re 18 and you know absolutely nothing about the world. I sure as heck didn’t when I was 18. The sooner we all accept that the sooner we can all stop pretending that we’re adults the minute we graduate high school.

Finally after all of that…after all that waiting…the moment FINALLY arrives… And you don’t even get your diploma. Oh no. Instead you have to shake the hand of your arch nemesis and smile, while they hand you an empty placeholder. No diploma there. Your REAL diploma–that fancy and extremely valuable (-cough-) piece of paper arrives by mail a month or so later. Talk about adding insult to injury. In a way it’s the perfect analogy to a high school education…

So I don’t particularly like graduation ceremonies. I think I’ve made my position clear.

Thus, it fell to me to rectify this problem for the sake of us all. And so I devised a plan. A great and noble plan. And it was glorious.

As is custom at most graduations, the senior class at our high school would be required to don their caps and gowns and be paraded before all the happy parents in our silly little ceremony. As we did so, the high school band would be required to play the popular high school theme “Pomp and Circumstance.” This would be the backdrop for my last and final high school prank.

I needed to bring graduation back to the students. It was my job…my DUTY… to let everyone know exactly how seriously we took this complete and utter waste of time.

My plan was simple. When the moment arrived, we the senior class would march out onto the field to the familiar tune of “Pomp and Circumstance.” Only this time, the band would not be the only ones playing. Oh no. For I would see to it that every member of our graduating senior class would have a kazoo with which to play along.

It was poetry in my mind. The thought of 300 kazoos all humming in wondrous harmony titillated the exuberant young  prankster in me.

I began the plot weeks in advance. I took donations from senior class members. A friend and I went to numerous party supply stores until we had accumulated roughly 300 multi-colored kazoos (mine was orange). Everything was going according to plan. I could not be stopped. The dream that I had crafted 3 years earlier was coming to fruition.

And then my mother found out.

As was my luck, a young, spacey, socially awkward girl from my class had called my house and left a message. In her voicemail this strange soul who had only days before donated money to the cause, stated that she had changed her position and that she felt that 300 kazoos would be making fun of graduation.

My mother heard the message before I’d even arrived home that day. All of a sudden the full scope of her wrath was upon me. At first she insisted that I not go through with it. I didn’t see what the big deal was. We were just having fun! And I couldn’t stop now, I explained. We had already purchased 300 kazoos!

Then she demanded I not go through with it. But this was my dream!! Desperately I tried to explain. I had wanted this since I was 15 years of age! Just think of it! 300 kazoos all singing together!

Then she gave me the ultimatum. In a moment of absolute parental dictatorship that I have never seen in my mother before nor since, she stated in so uncertain terms that either I put an end to my plans, or she would not attend my graduation.

I did not care about my graduation ceremony. Not in the slightest. But I knew my mother did. And I knew I could never live down the guilt trips that would surely follow if I did not bend to her will.

Disappointed and crushed, I tried to figure out what to do. We had 300 kazoos. People had paid for them. Could I really just call the whole thing off?

My friend and co-conspirator , bless her soul, suggested that we hand out the kazoos and instruct the students to use them at the final commencement of our graduation, when hats are flying in the air. My mother seemed to approve of this compromise. And the matter was settled peacefully. I was still crushed. My dream shattered.

In the end, it didn’t really matter.

As it turns out, 300 kazoos attract a fair amount of attention. My arch nemesis, the assistant principal became aware of my designs and stood by the gate with a large cardboard box collecting the kazoos from each student that marched onto the field.

As I passed by him I heard him laugh with the principal.

“Kazoos! That’s a new one!”

Curses!! Even my arch nemesis himself could acknowledge the brilliance of my scheme! And yet I was still thwarted. Defeated by my nemesis, my mother, and a strange awkward girl.

I did manage to smuggle into the ceremony 100 or so kazoos. I hid them in every pocket on my person. But even though I dispensed them to the senior populace once we had reached our seats in the stands, aside from a few timid kazoo noises, no one really paid them much mind.

And thus, this was the way my high school pranks ended. Not with the triumphant chorus of 300 kazoos humming, but with the whimper of my little orange kazoo.

The post Try And Stop Me appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Epic Battle! Go! Fight! Win!!

This is the FINAL week for you to enter our contest in which the winner will be drawn and featured in a future Raccoon Toons comic strip!!! Many will enter…but only one will prove victorious!!!!

Entering only takes a few seconds! Here’s how:

1. Like us (if you’re a facebook person). Or follow us on your favorite social media platform. Or subscribe to the site by RSS or email. You want to do these things even if there wasn’t a contest. Trust me.

2. Share your favorite comic strip or post with your friends! Post it! Ready go!

3. Let me know that you’ve shared and entered the contest! Don’t forget this step! Leave a comment on our site or one of our social media hubs. Or send me an email. Whatever. Just tell me that you’ve entered. Or else I won’t know. Because I’m not psychic. At least not yet…

4. Eat a cookie. Do it. Do it for the kids. Do it for yourself. Do it because you can, and you deserve it. There you go. Well done.

That’s it!!! It’s SO easy! The winner will be chosen at random and will be announced in April. You have until the end of the month. Don’t waste another moment! This is your big chance and internet stardom!!! Ready go.

The post Epic Battle appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I think all those villains in those movies are given a bad wrap. I mean honestly. Take a good look at them. Open your mind. These guys are brilliant. Sheer geniuses. They always have these crazy elaborate creative schemes to take over the world, and you got to hand it to them– the creative minds that inspired these complex ascents to grandeur are truly something to behold. It’s really something. Whether it’s a dastardly plan to smuggle artifacts and fund your fiendish crime organization, or simply a clever invention made to enable you to rule the tri-state area, you can’t plan for success without an elaborate and sometimes confusing master plan.

I feel for those guys. They spend countless days and months plotting their path to victory, only to have their well dressed super-spy nemesis arrive in the nick of time to ruin everything. And then they have to start ALL over! Why can’t they just let him reach his goals of world domination?? I mean, maybe we’ll like having a great and all-powerful ruler.

But what always gets me is that they can’t resist telling all the details of their entire operation the moment the good guy arrives. I mean it’s stupid really. Don’t you realize this guy is there to thwart you?!?! Don’t tell him EXACTLY how to stop your fiendish plans! At least TRY and be a little subtle about it! Is the plan just so good that you can’t resist sharing it with every British guy in a tux that breaks in and hits on every one of the ladies in your super-secret bad-guy lair?!?!

I think these villainous masterminds are all probably misunderstood. They probably just want a friend to come over and hang out with them. Y’know, maybe play some video games…jump on the trampoline…that sort of thing. But they’re probably too scared to just invite people over. I mean what if no one can come?? What if everyone is busy?? Who wants to deal with that kind of rejection?? So they develop these big fancy schemes to take over the world, and sure enough, the good guy jets right over without a moment’s delay. It’s brilliant really.

“What’s that you say? You can’t come to my super-secret bad-guy lair housewarming party because you have to work? You’re too busy protecting the free world from evil? Oh. Well you’re in luck! As it just so happens…”

See? These villains aren’t so bad. They just want some company. And maybe their own private island.

The post Master Plan appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Readers! Don’t fall into the trap! You only have a week and a half left to enter this month’s contest! It’s free to enter, and super fast and easy, and the winner will be featured in a future Raccoon Toons comic strip!! Yes, YOU can be IN the comic strip! Want to be IN a comic strip?? Of course you do!! So don’t fall into the trap. Enter today before it’s too late!

Click here for official contest rules

The post It’s a Trap appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

“I’m going in.”

I’m pretty sure these words are always a prelude to being awesome. Just saying them aloud makes you want to go kick some mass and take some names. It makes you want to complete the most daredevil of schemes and the most risky of operations. They turn you into the biggest, baddest, super-spy/action hero ever. Go ahead. Say the words. Give it a try. I’ll wait.

…

See?!?! Now you’re all freaking awesome!!

It kinda reminds me of elementary school and playing Capture the Flag. Because Capture the Flag is no joke man. That’s some serious hardcore stuff. It’s a war zone man. A WAR ZONE.

When I was young and we played capture the flag I was always one of those kids who stayed in his own territory. Y’know, ’cause I wasn’t one to make war. You stay in your country and I’ll stay in mine and we’ll all be cool. No worries man. Take it easy now, we don’t want any trouble. Relax.

But no one ever wants peace in Capture the Flag. Maybe we’re just not a society ready to live without bloodshed. Before you know it, kids from all over the field would cross our borders and start INVADING my country!! They’d try to desecrate our flag and claim our country for their own! Those little Hitlers were relentless! They had to be stopped.

And so being the peacekeeping young soul that I was, it was my job to defend the right. I was somewhat fast as a youth, and I took down many invaders seeking to thwart our country’s noble ambitions of peace. Our jail became full. So many prisoners of war…

Rarely did I seek to thwart the coming invaders by stealing their flag myself.  Seldom did I ever even cross the border into enemy territory. Because I was a good kid. A kind kid. Occasionally, as a last resource in the name of peace I would have no other choice and yes–it would have to be done. But I had seen too many fall for such madness. Too much bloodshed. Too much mindless aggression. I didn’t seek to make their country my own. I had no desire for world domination or tyrannical rule. [At least not then.] I simply wanted to live out my P.E. time in peace. So I only defended my home from enemy invaders. Those crazy Nazi terrorists… When will you people learn that war is not a game?! IT’S NOT A GAME!!!!

But as the war grew on, my brothers and sisters in arms would fall. Our numbers on both sides would be depleted. Our jails full with the scattered bodies of casualties of war.

Only then would I even consider to cross into enemy lands, and usually only on a mission to save my fallen brethren. Operation: Jailbreak, as it came to be known, was among my specialties.

Carefully I’d wait for the opportune moment. Studying my opponents. I only have one shot at this, I would tell myself. One life to give, for the sake of my country. There could be no mistake. My mission was too great. I had to succeed. It had to be perfect. And when the moment came, I’d be ready. And I would strike.

“I’m going in.”

I’d take off like a whirlwind, my enemies suddenly taken by surprise that this seemingly peaceful citizen of the West would ever even consider an attack on their soils. They were never ready for my cunning strike. My sudden burst of speed and aggression. I’d fly through their lands, weaving and dodging until I reached the deepest depths of enemy territory. Carefully I’d avoid the clutches of the sinister jail guard, until finally reaching my captive comrades and freeing them from the satanic prisoner camps of evil.

A cheer would erupt from our lands. With jubilation and great valor we would all return safely as war heroes. Citizens of a free and noble country.

Such was my cause. In the name of peace.

The post “I’m Going In” appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Yes. There actually IS a “Golden Toaster of Toastisity.” It’s here on my bookshelf. And it is glorious. It was prepared for a noble and marvelous mission of sorts. But the mission was scrapped due to weather conditions, and due to the fact that it probably isn’t a good idea to have people dressed in military garb on some random elementary school campus. I’m willing to say now that it was probably the right call. As a result I’m afraid the Golden Toaster of Toastisity never got its time in the field. So sad. Maybe someday.

Now there WAS a mission with a golden toilet seat…but that was an entirely different operation.

The post Critical Intel appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Ok. It’s true. I admit it. I AM trying to take over the world.

We’re getting there. Slowly but surely. One cartoon at a time I’m carefully gaining territory, until finally that fateful and glorious day will arrive and I will rule mightily from my cartoon-raccoon empire. HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

But don’t worry. I will be a kind and just ruler. I will rule over you all with dignity and grace. You will find yourselves wondering why you didn’t all elect me to be your supreme ruler eons ago. And I will make the world so much better with my policies.

Here’s just a few:

• We won’t need to pay so many taxes because you won’t have to pay so many high government salaries. Just mine. And mine is pretty reasonable compared to the sums of all those politicians. Just sayin’.

• Opening Day for baseball will be a world holiday. Duh.

• I will save the Twinkies. But you are only allowed to buy them if you walk to the store. Fair and just.

• Veronica Mars will be immediately brought back to regular television. I’m also going to bring back Firefly, The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin, Chuck, and while we’re at it, Lois and Clark, The New Adventures of Superman. Two and a Half Men will be immediately cancelled. Because we’re better than that. We’re all better than that.

• I will expedite the completion and mass production of driver-less vehicles.

• I will outlaw the usage of “LOL.”

• Minors will only be allowed internet access via 56 Kbps dial up modem. Because quite frankly, we’re all tried of the stupid overly dramatic teenage crud you post online all the time.

• Michael Bay will be exiled to a remote island off the coast of Greenland. For he must pay for his sins.

• No more reality TV. Ever.

• I will protect the Guam Kingfisher.

• Raw milk will once again be available at every corner grocery store.

• Finally, I will abolish the biannual changing of the clocks. Daylight savings time will be the new standard time all year long baby. That’s the way I roll.

You, my loyal and trusted peasants, will all learn to love me as I rule over you with wisdom and cartoon goodness. I will usher in a brand new era of peace, longevity, and quality television. You’re welcome. Long live Matt, supreme ruler.

The post Maybe appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

Code phrases are a very critical part of spy craft. You cannot hope to have an effective mission without including the proper code phrases. Failure to do so would be detrimental to your cause.

Here’s a few good code phrases that have been battle tested and are Matt approved:

“The crow flies at midnight.”

“The cows are not what they seem.”

“The fat man is jolly.”

“The cat is on the move.”

“Make the call.”

“I was waiting for the bus but I decided to drive instead.”

“Well, I suppose you have your Agency.”

And of course, one of my personal favorites, “Giants win doubleheader.”

That last one earned a lot of mission-time when it was regularly used by my college roommate and I when we were covertly stea– -ahem- I mean… “acquiring” great quantities of chocolate milk from the school cafeteria. Those poor cafeteria workers never knew what hit them. Although I imagine they started to wonder why the Giants played in so many doubleheaders…

The post Code Phrases appeared first on Raccoon Toons.