Nobody’s perfect.

…except of course for that one time when Matt Cain pitched a perfect game for the Giants in 2012.

That time someone was perfect. That was awesome.

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So cold and wintry outside. It’s good cuddling weather though. Just sayin’.

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Sadly, all the quotes in today’s comic strip are all authentic encounters that I have had in the last month with women that I was [up until that point] interested in…

As my single life progresses I start to think maybe I could be able to overlook the reality TV watching tastes of the woman in the first panel despite the fact that she’s never seen Star Wars, Indiana Jones, or Harry Potter. Maybe I could even put up with the supposed “huge baseball fan” who leaves the game an hour early for no good reason whatsoever. (Hint: there IS no good reason for such behavior.) I start to think after a while, maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I’m being too selective. Maybe I need to overlook minor differences of opinion or taste.

And then this week a girl said to me, “I hate cartoons. Cartoons are THE WORST.”

…

And that’s when I realized that she had no soul, and that I needed to start being far more selective in my dating.

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Following yet another Valentine’s Day alone, Wendy decides she needs to set up Matt with one of her friends.

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It was my pleasure to participate in the creation of this week’s comic strip. Maybe I’m just a big softie, but I love stuff like this.

Have a fun time you two!

~Matt

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I’m not picky. Everyone says I’m picky. I’m not. I’m not picky. I’m selective. It’s totally not the same thing. At all.

But honestly even if I WAS picky, is that such a bad thing? In a world where serious and committed relationships often end in heartbreak or disaster, shouldn’t I be a little selective? Shouldn’t I wait for something or someone who makes sense and feels right and shares my [baseball] values? Shouldn’t I hold out for surety and that feeling that makes woodland creatures go all crazy mushy like? Shouldn’t we all be sure about the kind of person we want to raise little baseball-loving babies with??

I mean, we’re all totally different people. We aren’t all the same. We can’t just “pick a horse” and hope to get lucky (so to speak). I can’t just marry the first baseball loving singer/actress/PHD graduate/part time swimsuit model who comes along! That would be sheer lunacy! What if she didn’t like raccoons?? Or cartoons?? Or raccoon cartoons??!? See?!? One has to consider these things! That could have ended in disaster! -Whew- Dodged a bullet there.

Being selective: it’s important.

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-Scroll down to see the super awesome collection of Raccoon Toons Valentine’s Day Cards!-

I think as human beings, we all need a little romance in our lives from time to time. It doesn’t have to be a lot. Simple things will suffice. I’ve decided that there is simply no substitute for that rush of romantic adrenaline you get from a witty conversation, or from a pretty face across the room, or from a flirtatious smile. If there’s anything else that comes close, I haven’t found it. There’s just nothing like it.

So while I am normally somewhat [cough] negative around Valentine’s Day, I would encourage us all to try and feel a little romance. I think it’d be good for us. I’m not saying you have to go out and search for it like some kind of desperate treasure hunt. I’m just saying, let’s allow ourselves to believe it exists.

That’d be a good start.

In order to help us all get into the romantic spirit, I have taken the liberty of preparing a series of Valentine’s Day cards. There are 29 of them (of course) and are available below. They are suitable for printing so feel free to download any of them that you like, or get all 29 of them in one file by clicking here.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

~M

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Sometimes you have no idea how a date is going to turn out. After many years of dating, I have discovered that people still surprise you even when you think you have everything all figured out. This could be good or bad.

I remember for example, taking a girl to dinner and discovering that she was far more charming and creative than I had previously imagined.

I recall another young woman who in addition to being a wonderful conversationalist, consistently fascinated me with the multiple ways she volunteered her time and performed various acts of service.

I’ve spoken before about the girl who went to dinner with me and ate an entire pizza all on her own. That was surprising. My goodness.

I even remember an experience as a youth when I took a friend to a high school dance and it was one of the best dates I had ever been on, because it turned out my date who I thought was somewhat shy, ended up being a ridiculous amount of fun.

So people can surprise you.

Unfortunately, I also remember some dates that surprised me in ways that were less than favorable. Below are a few recommendations of things NOT to do for all you dating people out there. I write them from my own experience, but you should feel free to take them to heart and make them your own.

• Do not say nothing. I can only comment on your pointy shoes so many times before it sounds forced. You’re stuck with me for a few hours and trust me, this will go a whole lot easier on both of us if you open your mouth and say a few words. I don’t care what you say at this point. I’ll pretend to be interested. We can have a riveting conversation on the life cycles of Norwegian snails for all I care. Just say something. Or at least breath a little heavier so I know you didn’t die in my car on the way over to the restaurant.

• Do not vent to me about all of the people you can’t seem to get along with. Not only does it seem like a red flag that you can’t seem to play nice with anyone, but it’s kind of a downer. I’m interested in you, not your mother or your sister or your coworker or whomever wronged you on this particular occasion. I am not your therapist. If I was, you’d be buying dinner and we’d be eating someplace much nicer.

• While we’re on the subject, you are not my therapist either. I didn’t take you out to dinner to experience an intervention. I don’t need to hear your armchair psychological opinions on my feelings of inadequacy. I don’t need to hear you discourse on how I’m not over my past loves, that I’m trapped in a juvenile state of regression, or that Disney princesses have created an unreasonable expectation of women in my mind. I know my issues, thank you very much. If I wanted therapy, I’d go to therapy. All I really wanted was some nice conversation and maybe a chicken ranch sandwich.

• Do not insist that you’re old enough to date me, only to moments later complain that your mother made you clean your room.

• Do not ask me about my interests only to listen to me passionately expound on my love of baseball, before promptly responding that you find baseball to be intensely boring and a waste of time. You won’t get a second date no matter how many times you text me. There are SO many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to begin.

• Don’t be a flake.

• Rather than responding with simple compassion, do not after learning about my family’s cancer history, take this opportunity to unceasingly lecture me (and my family who you’ve never met) on our eating habits, insisting that all of these various cancers could just magically go away if we only started heeding your all-wise and heretofore unknown wisdom on vegetables and the cult of Crossfit.

• Do not invite me out for a date, only for me to learn upon arrival, that some guy from out of town showed up and now you’re on a date with him instead.

• Do not bring your pregnant friend and her husband along on our first date. Do not insist that we should go back to your pregnant friend’s parents’ house afterwards. Do not turn our date into a family affair with your pregnant friend, her parents, her five (yes…FIVE!) siblings, and their three insanely large and affectionate dogs. That is a lot of people to meet on a first date. I planned to be on a date with one person. Not with nine and a half persons.

• Do not suddenly and violently erupt into tears in the middle of our date without any explanation whatsoever. I feel like this should be kind of an obvious one. And yet, here we are.

So there you go. That’s just my two cents. They seem like good things to avoid to me. Just sayin’.

Now go forth and conquer, ye single dating people.

The post A Very Good Start appeared first on Raccoon Toons.

I was once told that women like spontaneity. Only I don’t think that’s actually true. Sure, all you girls would just love it if some guy with great hair who you’d secretly been stalking on the internet walked up to you and said in his deep and masculine voice “hey, this is so sudden and spontaneous, but let’s go take a trip together to the far away island of Yap. Right now. Let’s leave. This instant.”

See you’d all LOVE that, and you’d brag to all your girlfriends, “oh my man is soooooo spontaneous. He’s the most spontaneous of all the men. You wish you were me.”

See but here’s the thing. That’s not being spontaneous. Because that guy with great hair and the deep and masculine voice got the idea to travel. Then he probably looked in to the costs, checked flight times, and weighed whether or not he could take the time off work. So I hate to burst your bubble ladies. But what you think was spontaneous wasn’t spontaneous at all. In fact, you keep using that word and I do not think it means what you think it means.

What you think you love and adore wasn’t spontaneity. It was surprise.

I mean think about it. You wouldn’t really want to travel to a distant [but awesome] far away land without any plan whatsoever. You want your man with the great hair and well chiseled abdomen to plan everything and just surprise you with everything you like (obviously he should just be able to magically KNOW these things). So you see, it isn’t really spontaneous at all. It’s just spontaneous to you, because you were unaware of this plan until a moment ago when this super-human-man with the great abs (who is also a doctor) surprised you with it while whispering sweet nothings into your ear.

So you dear sweet ladies, the next time you want your man to be more spontaneous think long and hard about it. And then after you’ve imagined the two of you lost and alone without any plan or course of action whatsoever, tell him that you like surprises instead.

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I’ve written at length on the topic of date planning in the past, so I won’t rehash my views concerning the matter.

Instead, I will take this opportunity to discourse on something that is really important:

Um…ok I got nothing. I’m sorry. I woke up early for a job this morning and no matter how many Red Vines and Fig Newtons I eat (yes…I know I’m not the healthiest eater in the world thank you very much), I’m afraid I can’t seem to bring my mind out of it’s current state of drowsiness.

So while I would normally take this moment to write about some sort of terrible problem or dilemma that currently vexes our society, I’m afraid you’re just going to have to settle for the jumbled words of a sleepy cartoonist.

But hey, there are HUNDREDS of crazy Matt writings in the archives on this site. I’m sure you can find a good one that will still provide you with all of the displays of my insanity that you’ve gotten so accustomed to reading every week.

After all, I’d hate to deprive you of that.

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