I judge a person’s intelligence based on their grammar and punctuation. If you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re” and you use them incorrectly, then chances are I’m going to assume that you just aren’t all that bright. Don’t take it personally. You’re still a good person. You still have many redeeming qualities. A well rounded education just isn’t one of them.

Allow me to help enlighten those of you who are English impaired and/or illiterate:

  • Your = Your possession. Your tuna salad sandwich is smarter than you.
  • You’re = A contraction for “you are.” You’re a complete and utter moron, but your tuna salad sandwich is surprisingly intelligent.
  • UR = Not a word, you moron. You sound like an ditsy preteen who obsesses over Justin Bieber when you use the word “UR,” even when texting your tuna salad sandwich.


Of course, the opportunity for me to callously judge your education doesn’t stop there. Let’s continue!

  • There = Usually a place. Look over there! There is your tuna salad sandwich writing its dissertation.
  • Their = Possessive of them. Their tuna salad sandwich has a higher brain capacity than you.
  • They’re = Contraction for “they are.” They’re wondering if your tuna salad sandwich and their tuna salad sandwich should get together for dinner sometime.
  • To = A preposition or an infinitive. When you talk to your tuna salad sandwich in public, people think you are a moron, and you need to stop.
  • Two = A number. The number 2. Two is a number you moron. Even your tuna salad sandwich knows that.
  • Too = An adverb meaning “also” or “excessively.” You are much too moronic, and your tuna salad sandwich thinks so too.

And thus, we have concluded today’s lesson. Tomorrow there will be a quiz on what you’ve learned, but it will be after lunch…so I doubt your tuna salad sandwich will be able to help you.