How to make your mundane button pushing job just a little more exciting, as written by someone who’s been there:

First, position yourself so that you have a decent view of the bathroom doors. You need an unobstructed view to really be an impartial judge. Strive for a direct line of sight. If it’s going to be a problem for you, you should either request a cubicle change, or employ the intern who gets the crappy desk right next to the bathroom. And don’t tell me your intern isn’t sitting next to the bathroom. The intern ALWAYS has to sit next to the bathroom.

Next, get yourself a pen and paper and write down everyone’s name in the office. Only don’t write their REAL names. That would ruin the fun and take away the integrity of what we’re doing. You have to create a nickname for everyone in the office. Bonus points if they sound like horse names. You don’t want anyone who stumbles across your list to really know what they’ve found. Here are some I’ve used throughout my many office jobs of the past: Streaks, Bossman, Secret Life, Giggles, Smoker’s Cough, Young Buck, Non-descriptive Blond, Velvet, Smiles (who never EVER smiled by the way), Odd Duck, Big Big P, Blondie, Brit, 30-something J, Grandma (who surprisingly NEVER used the facilities according to my records), Classy, Tall Dark, Cutie, Goldhunter, and “Kevin” who wasn’t really named Kevin, but reminded me of a Kevin.

Now the fun begins. AND THEY’RE OFF! The bathroom races have begun! Keep track throughout your day of the number of visits each person makes to the bathroom. Some people will surprise you by how little or how frequently they go. A few will raise concern about their medical health.

Take bets on the races from bathroom savvy gamblers. Email your friends outside of the office or instant message them. Allow them to place bets on their horses. After a couple of weeks of this you can give people odds.

At the end of each week tally up the results and name the winner. Distribute winnings as appropriate. Congratulate the winning bathroom racer without actually telling them what event they won and watch their confusion. It’s a great way to start your weekend. Trust me.

The Bathroom Races can be played is all types of jobs and work environments, and is a great way to liven up your day. You’ll be amazed at how excited you get at the end of the week when things come down to the wire, and surprise candidates make their final push down the homestretch. You probably want to avoid having any photo finishes though. Those sexual harassment seminars are no fun.

At this moment I’d like to congratulate Odd Duck, who was the Grand Bathroom Derby winner, after an amazing come from behind victory, just edging out Big Big P and Bossman, who had more overall visits to the bathroom than anyone else, but only managed to be the week’s champion once.

Please cash in your tote tickets at the window.