“Your boyfriend is such a tool. Seriously. Just look at the guy. That stupid face. That stupid hair. I bet he pops up the collars on his polo shirts. Who does he think he is? Anyone with half a brain can see that the guy is a total tool. But then I guess you don’t have half a brain do you? I mean, if you did you OBVIOUSLY wouldn’t be dating him. Man…I can’t believe I was such good friends with that guy before he started dating you. It’s so weird that I had no idea he was such a tool until now…

“We’re all probably better off now that you’ve both removed yourselves from the dating pool, at least until one of you gets tired of blank stares and moronic conversation. You two really deserve each other. So yeah. Enjoy your tool boyfriend you ditsy brain dead twit.

“And…call me if you break up any time soon…”